As I was alone and thinking about the current events that happened to my family, I couldn't help to think about the death of people like us, the gay people or rather the people with abnormal sexual preference. That did not come from me but I do believe that is what normal people would think of people like us. Like I said in my earlier thoughts, the people with mainstream ideologies brand us abnormal. Somehow or rather, I do have the same opinion with them and there is nothing on earth we do and say that can make people consent the way we live our lives. Perhaps they can understand but I doubt if they can accept us. Men are created for women and vice versa, that is what I learnt from religious school and that is the one fact out of many facts in this world that is upheld and believed by the common people all over the world regardless of race, religion or language in a sovereign country or not.
After witnessing the death of a brother who died at a young age, I went through the days of living without him. My brother was not married and he did not leave anyone behind except for his family members. No spouse and no kids. As a Muslim, I am aware that when a person dies, everything about him will die with him, all good and bad deeds done by him while he was alive will ceased and there is only one kind of good deed done by him that will outlive him until the end of time even if he is dead. That good deed is the financial donations and his voluntary work to orphans and the mosque. Apart from that, the living usually say some prayers for the dead and only the prayers of the children of the dead person who are a devouted Muslims themselves be recognised by god. I may be wrong or inaccurate in my findings and I seek forgiveness but this is what it has been said. Knowing that, I cannot stop thinking of what will happen to me when I am dead? Marriage is not in my agenda and I am still single and living life as a lesbian in a closet. If I were to die young while my parents are still alive, I am sure they would do their part as my parents but the norm is, parents usually leave the children first. So if my parents were to leave me for a bigger world, which would leave me alone with my other brothers, who can I self-assuredly believe will continue to pray for me?
Have you ever wonder how would it be like if there is no one left in your family to read ‘Yassin’ for you when you were dead? Have you ever thought that we are a group of people that has the high probability of dying alone in our own homes? Have you ever stop to think if you have done enough for your future to stay a spinster for the rest of your lives? Have you ever thought of who will take care of you if you have become aged, sick and worse still, disabled? Did we ever pause for a second to think about all the possibilities that could happen to us?
There have been many cases of aged people dying alone at home without someone realising until a few days later when neighbours complaint of a foul smell. Police have to break into the homes only to find the corpse of an old lady or man. Some of these elderly had been single all their lives and some had children of their own but could not be bothered about the wellbeing of their parents.
Dying old and alone is something, which we do not wish to occur to us but at times it is inevitable because of circumstances. Most people who died alone had no family of their own or their children have abandoned them. They had no one to depend on except for themselves. I have pictured myself going through the stage of ageing and I know how would it be like living alone when you are old. I am afraid that I might not be able to take care of myself. I am afraid that my health will deteriorate and I will eventually get sick to even move around. I imagine of all the worse scenarios and I began to enlighten myself that living and growing old alone can be one difficult task if you have not made adequate mental and financial measures.
We are lucky to have live in a generations where things are more advanced, financial plannings are readily available, protections are within reach and help and aids are just a phone call away. The only thing we need to know is how to profit and utilise them.
It is unlikely that I am going to get married because of what I am. It is something, which I have never thought about. Looking at it, the probability of living alone for me is high and I thought about the things, which I am afraid of. To protect my interest, I bought a few insurance policies, which gives me a financial, and protection security. I discipline myself to put aside a sum of money monthly for the premiums. I made sure that each policy benefits me in one way or another so that when I consolidate all the policies I have, every inch of my body is protected. I made sure that my money in my CPF account grows as I aged by investing into bonds and the policies act as a saving, protection and as an investment tool as well.
When my brother passed away, I began to realise that life is not eternal. We could die anywhere and anyhow. It is even scarier to think about death when you are a Muslim. We know how much we have done to prepare ourselves for the other world and how ready are we to face death. And frighteningly, we do not have a choice, if it is time for us to leave, we have to leave regardless in what state we are in. Death waits for no one ready or not.
I was never a practising Muslim before until my brother's death. I only watched when my parents pray but I hardly joined them.
I did not feel an urge to perform the prayers and I had forgotten my responsibility as a Muslim. I have financially prepared myself to live and grow old alone. I thought that was enough until it struck me that what matters most is how much good deeds I have done to bring me to the other world. I have thought about that but every time I thought about it, I disregard it like it is a minor thing to think about.
Sometimes, in a person’s life it takes the death of someone or something tragic to happen to you to make you realise and repent. I am feeling fairly remorse now but I cannot say that I am a new person. I dare not say. I am not sure if this feeling that I am having is going to be temporary or permanent. I have no answer for that, I can only wait and see. I have never stopped praying since the day my brother died. What seems so alien to me has become something that I do daily. The ‘Yassin’ and ‘Tahlil’ have been the 'in' thing for me and I am slowly remembering certain verse. I am ‘Jawi’ illiterate and I have grown an interest to learn how to read in ‘Jawi’. I have grown an interest to read the Quran and understand the meaning behind every verse. I hope I can read it in ‘Jawi’ soon and I am working out something to be able to do that. It's quite hard over here unless you know the Malay community well in your neighbourhood but I am not giving up.
I am not surprise why I have this sudden interest in Islam so much. I am a born Muslim but I know I have lack a lot of knowledge about Islam and I have been trying to read up on what I have missed about it but I have been procrastinating and putting off things to do. I always said to myself that I can do it tomorrow or the day after tomorrow but it is true that when you have witnessed your own flesh and blood depart from this world, somehow the feeling of remorse envelope you and you start to look at yourself and analyse what you have been missing in life. I am not talking about total reformation of myself because I know; to reform needs a lot of determination, courage and perseverance. You need to be single minded about it and you need to focus because when it comes to religion, it is an issue which you cannot take for granted.
I am just thinking if I am at a crossroads and which road will I choose? Will I take the road less travelled or will I just continue to travel on the road I have been travelling on? When you realised that you are gay as young as 5 years old, it is difficult to turn over a new leaf. Having an abnormal sexual preference is something, which is hard to change because it is in you and it deals with emotions. Emotions are something, which is hard to handle because they are very delicate and have to be handled with care. Knowing that you are gay at the age where your curiosity is building up, turning over a new leaf from something which you have believed and practised all your life that has become your flesh and blood is a tall order; an almost impossible mission to participate. It has become a part of you and it takes real feelings of repentance, guilt and shame, which come from the bottom of your heart sincerely without the slightest doubt. You will feel it once you have got it and when you feel that, there is no turning back anymore. It happens spontaneously and naturally. It is like you get an intangible message from God that opens up your heart to come back to the right path. The door to heaven is open wide for you and to be able to taste paradise will depend on you.
I have read about a Muslim woman who was a prostitute for 11 years and how she has left that chapter of her life to start a new chapter free from unlawful sexual desires. She didn’t plan to change, it just happens because she had contracted a sexually transmitted disease (STD) and she turned to God for help. How she has cried wholeheartedly every time she prays regretting over what she has done in the past and I assume she got the message.
I ponder on the things I have gone through and how they have made me wise. Reading about the repent prostitute tells me that it is not a mission impossible after all to turn over a new leaf. You have to want it and you must have that strong desire to make a change. You have got to break down those walls around you. You have to bring yourself closer to faith and God to seek help from Him. I am in the process of bringing myself closer to God and faith but I am still afraid. I am afraid that I will not be able to love anymore. I am afraid that I will totally shut my heart from loving another woman because loving another woman is the food to my soul and rhythm to my music. I am weak to want to change. I am weak to declare that I want to change. I am afraid that I would miss the tender loving touch of the woman whom I love. It hurts not to be able to share my life officially with women whom have captured my attention. I often ask myself why am I blessed with such complicated sexual desires only to make more sins day after day of my live. I can only love a woman and it hurts so much to live life like this.
I am not sure if I am getting the message or the message is coming to me but all I want to do right now is to prepare myself for the bigger world just like I am preparing to be financially independent to live alone. I want to go back to the basics and comprehend the fundamentals. I will begin with the most essential things, which all Muslims must do and I will leave the rest to God. I will continue to do good deeds in my lifetime while I can and to save enough ‘pahala’ to survive in the other world. Perhaps I will remain single with no woman to intimately love, for all you know I might be a non-practising lesbian but a practising Muslim. Does that make any sense? I have been thinking about adopting kids to regard as my own. I have the intention to mould them to be good citizens to make beneficial contributions to the country. I want to take care of them and shower them with quality attention, love and care with the hope that I have at least someone to read ‘Yassin’ and ‘Tahlil’ for me when I am dead, someone to visit my grave, someone to put lilies or orchids on my grave, someone to water my grave and someone to include me in their daily prayers because I am honestly afraid of dying alone and forgotten but I do want to die peacefully with dignity as a Muslim. I want to die with ease. Those are my most sincere hopes and wishes deep down in my heart as a Muslim lesbian.
