I took ten minutes of my time staring at the screen before I could begin typing the first word down. I knew what to write and what are the messages I want to send out but somehow arranging and organizing what should come first and last has been the biggest challenge because I know, I will be representing not only myself but perhaps the whole gay communities. This is not a war on thoughts I am launching but I am merely stating what my stand is not only as a gay but also as a person altogether.
An old acquaintance told me that he has been reading my blog. He commented something to me, by reading between the lines I knew he wanted to say more than he did. Like I said, this fellow is an old acquaintance and knowing how he is like, I told him to spill it out. He did and it only made me feel more repulsive towards him. When you have been gay for more than three quarter of your life, you have grown sick and tired of people who will try to do nothing but advice and talking some sense into you about being gay. It is even ironic when you received such guidance without you seeking them.
He mentioned about Islam and about its beliefs and about his responsibility as a fellow Muslim to advice other fellow sisters or brothers of Islam that he thinks have gone astray. There he was, trying to squeeze his brain dry for words of advice to me. I listened but at the same time, I took offence in his actions. It was noble of him however; I regret to say that he did not get a good start at it. He ought to be ashamed of himself passing comments and judgments like that without even being consulted for. What makes its worst he didn’t even take the time to understand why I became what I am. I tried hard to comprehend his intentions but I just cannot stomach what he said especially when he sounded as if I do not know of the sins I have committed by being gay. How can a man be so shallow and bold like that? He was not even confident and it is not surprising why he failed totally to earn my respect even after acting on a noble cause. He claimed he has known me for a long time thus he has the moral duty and obligations to talk some sense into me hoping to pull me back into the right path. It is appalling to me how he dared to make such statements.
My dear old acquaintance, this humble thought of mine is meant for you and no one else. You do not simply try to talk to me about sins and wrongs of being gay without even making an effort to understand the rationale behind it all. You told me that you have a moral duty as a fellow brother of Islam but have you paused and retreat to think what are the best ways and methods to carry out your responsibility that suits the situations best? I assumed you did not at all. Have you tried asking why I turned out to be gay in the first place? Have you tried to come to terms with the fact that I am gay after years of you denying it? Have you tried to even understand me? You and I are two different people with different backgrounds and definitely different sexual preference. Perhaps you would have regarded me as abnormal like most shallow straight people do. Perhaps you are sick yourself but you just refuse to acknowledge it because you do not want to burst your own bubble. Perhaps you are homo-phobic and trying to talk some sense into me was just a façade of your own demeanor.
I may be wrong but let us not forget that you are responsible to make me have opinions like that towards you because you know why? As much as I want to understand why you said what you said to me, I grew tired of you. Since I have been keeping in touch with you, you have done nothing but question my choice to be what I am. You have made nothing but unfair statements that only make me feel even more revolting towards you. You have said nothing but things that only make me feel sympathetic towards you. Where is your common sense my friend? Did you leave it behind in your urgency to fix the problems of this gay friend of yours? Believe me, if I am able to act upon my disgust towards you, I would have spat on that ugly mustached face of yours but I know it is not professional of me. That kind of despicable act only suits unprofessional people like you who lacks the simplest common sense and who thinks you have it all.
How dare you talk to me like as if I do not know what I am doing to my life? Have you ever spare a thought about people like me who may just have that abnormality in-born within my self? Tell me if you have because I would really love to know what you have done to comprehend this problem of mine that I do not even choose on my own accord. Do you think it has been easy for me? Have you known about this inner battle that I have been fighting?
You do not come and lecture me about factors that you do not even absorb. You do not think of the plights, agonies and predicaments that I have gone through. Did you know that I almost suffocated myself to death while trying to deny what I really am? Talking is easy but please do not think I am the person that you can talk cheap with. And you told me as an old friend you feel obliged to advice me? Have you read my thoughts about what I feel becoming a Muslim gay? Have you make an effort to put yourself in my shoes? You like saying that we have known each other long and thus you think you may have the privilege to counsel me? So you think you have known me but in actual truth, you have no idea who I really am.
Now, after reading the first few paragraphs above and if you have come to understand every word that you have read, please take a second to read this extracts from my previous thoughts titled ‘In Retrospection’ to give yourself a better picture of what I feel.
“There is that stigma that if ever you committed to any form of gay activities, all your good deeds called by your faith would go down the drain and you are condemned to hell. And yet, you can't understand it, because, you recognized what you are, and how you could be condemned to hell for what you were made to be. It is so confusing living in this closet. Have you ever wondered whether are you really born with it or it is just the environment, surroundings or the way you were being brought up? Do we have a choice? Can we fight these feelings that have been branded 'abnormal'? When I am alone, I wonder and I cry to myself like a baby without tears.”
And if you think I do not wonder about it all you are wrong because I do think about it, so do me a favour please. Stop acting like a professional shrink when you are not even close to pretending like one.
”As it has been mentioned in the Koran and the Bible, it means that homosexuality and lesbianism are not just a recent development of the person. It has been in existence for a long time, meaning that it could well have been in-born for some individuals. I understand that being gay is not an accepted thing in Muslim society; on the other hand, society just cannot blame me for not being able to be anything but gay. The culture and the upbringing hit me at times. It really got to me. Even though my dad's Chinese, we are all Asians and living in the East. We are eastern people and we were brought up the way we were. What can I say, what can I do? It is almost impossible to divorce oneself from culture and beliefs inculcated from young. Perhaps our culture, religion and upbringing dictate a safe, mainstream thinking. Perhaps it is not the only option in a lifestyle. Perhaps it is not the only 'right' we should recognize.”
My friend, I do really hope that you understand the contents of my thoughts because if you still don’t then I would suggest that you start praying hard to God so that your children will not grow up turning into something that you cannot accept. That would really be heartbreaking won’t it?
“There is no use explaining and reasoning because we all know what we are doing is wrong. There is law against it in public. We will lose. No matter how hard we fought for society to accept us, we will not win. We will never win. Most people think that we are what we are because we lack of faith and religious knowledge. They are wrong. I am never proud of what my sexual preference is. I am ashamed of it. But I am only human with strengths and weaknesses. I have people who put me down. I have people who condemned me for the slightest mistake I have made. I do not ask for all this. But who am I to say? I have tried, I bet we all have tried. We were all once sorry about our lifestyles. But this is what we are. Whether we like it or not, we cannot deny and not acknowledged what we are. My statement is debatable of course. One can never really understand another human being even when you think you have loved her like blood. No man or woman will open himself/herself to you openly. There will always be something she hides. Everybody has a skeleton in his or her closet, and one does not wash his dirty linen in public.”
Tell me, if you would do the same to others if they had gone astray too? Or you are just doing this because it is a gay issue because to you, being gay is the only sins that you have recognized? You made me think that being gay was the only sinful act in the world and nothing else. Have you ever stop to wonder about yourself? How sufficient are you as a Muslim and as a person altogether? So being gay is sinful and wrong to you and coincidentally you happen to know me. So you think you know me but you have no idea because you do not even bother to read about me or to become my true friend first before deciding to give me one of your shoddy low quality neither here nor there advices. Was your intention is to plant remorse in me? Remorse is defines as deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction. You cannot simply try to impose remorse upon an individual without himself feeling it. Remorse has to be internalized by us, it has to come from within, it cannot be forced, and it has to be realized by ourselves.
I appreciate you trying to do what you tried to do but I honestly do not appreciate your approach. I was hoping you could be a little sensitive about it by not being judgmental too quickly. I never wish for you to accept me the way I am but I do expect you would at least try to apprehend the reasons behind it and then perhaps consider the most appropriate ways to carry out your responsibility. You failed badly at it and it is a shame.
“I am just thinking if I am at a crossroads and which road will I choose? Will I take the road less traveled or will I just continue to travel on the road I have been traveling on? When you realised that you are gay as young as five years old, it is difficult to turn over a new leaf. Having an abnormal sexual preference is something, which is hard to change because it is in you and it deals with emotions. Emotions are something, which is hard to handle because they are very delicate and have to be handled with care. Knowing that you are gay at the age where your curiosity is building up, turning over a new leaf from something which you have believed and practiced all your life that has become your flesh and blood is a tall order; an almost impossible mission to participate. It has become a part of you and it takes real feelings of repentance, guilt and shame, which come from the bottom of your heart sincerely without the slightest doubt. You will feel it once you have got it and when you feel that, there is no turning back anymore. It happens spontaneously and naturally. It is like you get an intangible message from God that opens up your heart to come back to the right path. The door to heaven is open wide for you and to be able to taste paradise will depend on you.”
“I am not sure if I am getting the message or the message is coming to me but all I want to do right now is to prepare myself for the bigger world just like I am preparing to be financially independent to live alone. I want to go back to the basics and comprehend the fundamentals. I will begin with the most essential things, which all Muslims must do and I will leave the rest to God. I will continue to do good deeds in my lifetime while I can and to save enough ‘pahala’ to survive in the other world. Perhaps I will remain single with no woman to intimately love, for all you know I might be a non-practicing lesbian but a practicing Muslim. Does that make any sense? I have been thinking about adopting kids to regard as my own. I have the intention to mould them to be good citizens to make beneficial contributions to the country. I want to take care of them and shower them with quality attention, love and care with the hope that I have at least someone to read ‘Yassin’ and ‘Tahlil’ for me when I am dead, someone to visit my grave, someone to put lilies or orchids on my grave, someone to water my grave and someone to include me in their daily prayers because I am honestly afraid of dying alone and forgotten but I do want to die peacefully with dignity as a Muslim. I want to die with ease. Those are my most sincere hopes and wishes deep down in my heart as a Muslim lesbian.”
I wrote those in my thoughts titled ‘Thoughts as a Muslim Lesbian”. Those are what my thoughts my friend. Do I have a place in heaven? I do not know and I am sure you do not too because we are all humans after all. Is it fair to say that someone is a thief because he stole to feed his hungry son? Is it fair to call someone a drug addict for life because he was one once? Does a man always practice what he preaches? We do not have the right to judge and to predict. Whatever we are, we must not be too confident about being promised to heaven and paradise just because we are not gay. Perhaps to you, I may be a condemned Muslim but that is only on the surface, what lies beneath is between I and Him. Maybe you should take some time now to reflect on your self and hope against hope that your sons and daughters will not turn out to be like me.
