Dear Diary

It was on a weekend when I first met her. We talked on the phone the previous night and it was a long conversation. It was just normal casual girl talk and we ended up meeting each other the next morning. I usually spend my weekends at home studying or laze around watching television. It’s hard for me to give in to people’s request just to meet over coffee at the expense of sacrificing my study habit. I seldom go out unless I have to run errands for my family or myself. But on that weekend, I went out with her. Up till now I still wonder what made me do that.

I was early and I waited for her at the place we planned to meet. There she was sitting in front of me. I had my oversized shades on trying to avoid any eye contact. She stared at me and I felt uneasy. She was pretty and she made me nervous. I took off my shades and smiled at her. I looked her in the eye. She has those pair of eyes that can portray all the moods in her. She was smiling at me; even her eyes were smiling at me. I still remember the clothes she wore. I remember all the expressions on her face. She was attractive.

I have met other girls before but this one was particularly attractive in every way. She was simple but yet stylish. She has a body that can make men drool and she has a face that can turn heads while she walks on the street. She was so fine. I asked myself what does it take for a woman to love another woman this fine. I wanted to get close to her, and I wanted to have passionate feelings for her. In simple terms, I admire her. Here I am, in front of this woman so fine for the first time and I have already admired her. It is true that people say it just takes a minute to like someone, a day to love someone and a lifetime to forget someone. I kept it to myself. I didn’t show it to her and I didn’t share my feelings with anyone. I wanted to keep my feelings for her personal and reserved. It is just something that I want to treasure alone.

For the time we were together, I have been observing her. I watched her every move, how she carries herself in front of me and how she walks. I have been mesmerized by her charm. There was nothing about her that I can say specifically made me like her but there was just something in what today’s term called the X-factor. She was humble, natural and smart. She was genuine and there was nothing fake about her. Everything that I saw was all-original. I have always had a soft spot for original people and she was being one. I managed to compose myself and remained calm throughout our meeting. I knew what are my feelings towards her at that point of time. I didn’t pay too much attention to it. I didn’t want to make myself a victim to my own emotions. It was too soon and too fast to have developed such feelings for someone. Wild thoughts were running around in circles in my brain.

I have to admit that I am attracted to her and I took a liking to her. I brushed off the thoughts and continued to be realistic. A desperado I have been called and a sweet talker to every woman is people’s most popular perception upon me. I remained quiet. I refused to defend myself and I let them talk. At a certain point in your life, you will come to a stage where you realized that people would keep on trying to put you down however they can. And how you handle that situation shows how mature you are. Sometimes silence is the best weapon of all, without saying a word you can light up the dark or make hearts bleed. But then again, words are of course powerful weapons as well. It just depends on situations and circumstances. We just have to know how to pick and choose.

Every shows must come to an end and every meeting must be parted. I went home with my thoughts still with her. I was still thinking of her the next day. I can’t stop thinking about her. I imagined that she was mine. I wonder how is it going to be if she was mine and I was hers. Would we make a perfect couple or at least a close to perfect one? I do not know. Those are just the fantasies I have in mind. Dreaming about her makes me feel good. If I can’t be together with her at least the memories I have with her will be mine eternally. Those short happy moments I have spent with her will be kept at a special spot in my heart. I threw away the key so that no one can take the memories I have with her from me. That is how special she is to me. I have never felt this way before. Yes, I have had crushes and I have been attracted to others before but the feelings I have for her are different than the rest. I wonder if she would be thinking about me as well. I wonder if I had left a good impression about myself to her. I wonder if she thinks of me the same way as most people would. I do not know. All I know is she has touched my heart in a special way that no one ever did. I could go on and on dreaming about her and I know how far I can go. I know what are my capabilities in dreaming and fantasizing that I could make a movie out of it if I have the means.

It is a recycle, this thing that I am experiencing. We have to go through this event when we met someone new. I just realized that it is a cycle that we have to experience whether we want it or not. Every little things we do, we keep thinking about her. I didn’t show her any signs that I like her. I didn’t give her the slightest clue that I like her. I do not know why. Perhaps I have been hurt many times to the extent that I am afraid to fall in love again. Perhaps I have had this fear of being left alone again.

Perhaps I was unsure if she likes me the way I like her. There are too many reasons waiting to be explored. I am tired of exploring. I have explored many times before only to discover that my past love affairs were a one sided love affair. People accepted me because they didn’t want to make me feel rejected. I can handle rejections. And I can handle heartbreaks. But to go through it again and again is heartache and a headache. I feel like there’s a knife piercing through my heart and it is bleeding profusely. The wound is still fresh. The scar is visible forever. I fell in love too soon too many times only to get hurt again. Yes, life goes on. Everybody knows that. We move on and meet new people and fall in love and get heartbroken again. Why do we meet in the first place only to be separated later? I soon realized that this is a cycle that never dies especially in my kind of love affair.

Looking at the time has been my habit since knowing her. My watch has been my favourite thing to look at whenever I am with her. I monitored how much time I have left to spend with her. I feel that the clock is ticking faster than ever every time I am with her. And always, when the time comes for us to part, I grow quiet, agitated, uneasy and sometimes moody that I have to part with her. If only I have all the time in the world to be with her without having to worry about anything else. If only I could spend hours and hours with her sitting and just talk about stuffs, her likes and her dislikes, her favourite drinks and food, what makes her angry and what makes her happy. If only I can talk with her on the phone without having to end our conversation because I have to face my books. If only things are not so difficult to explain.

I am not sure if I ever let her know of what I feel towards her. She has asked me a couple of times before but I have always managed not to answer her. It gives me nervous breakdown whenever she asks me that. I am afraid that things will change if she knows the truth. I am afraid that I won't get to spend much time with her anymore if she doesn't like what she hears. I like the way things are with her and me right now. A mutual friendship without having any sexual desires. I just like her as a whole package and I know it's difficult for me to have her. I have no hopes anymore and I shall not let myself got too carried away with all my fantasies and wild thoughts about her. I am not denying these true feelings I have for her. I am just refraining myself from developing further feelings for her. I am afraid and I am petrified if things would go wrong. I am just so afraid of everything nowadays. Only I know how much I wanted to hold her and have her in my arms. How I wanted so much to tell her that I miss her. How I wanted so much to look at her beautiful eyes to say those words. It is crazy sometimes how you can have affections beyond words towards someone. It is just so wonderful this feeling. And we all know that how long it can survive is uncertain. There are too many uncertainties in life. Yes, life is short give it a shot. I take relationship seriously, and I do not like to take a shot at it just like throwing a basketball in the net.

Maybe I am too rigid in upholding my principles. Perhaps I should learn how to be a little bit lenient to myself and for a while forget all those principles and just take a dive into the sea. And if I did, what if I get drown? Will there someone to save me or will I be left all alone to get back to shore? Will I be alone again to pick up the pieces? Faint heart never won a fair lady; yes that's what it says. Do I have a faint heart? Why am I so afraid this time? Should I blame it on all those previous relationships that I have had and dedicate 'You Give Love A Bad Name' to them? Is it too early to be feeling this way? There are things like love at first sight and instant attraction. Maybe I am just being too melodramatic and sentimental. I am sensitive by nature and I like to be that way that’s what Jewel sings in one of her songs and she also sings that hearts are broken every day.

I have read somewhere that if we like or love someone, we should have let him or her know before it is too late. We will never know if tomorrow ever comes for each of us. Perhaps I should have told her about what I feel towards her anytime from the moment I penned down these thoughts of mine. And it doesn't matter how she would react to that, what matters most is she knows how I feel about her and that I am sincere. I should just be blunt and tell her the truth when she asked me. I shouldn't have think twice and hide my real feelings from her. We cannot have our cake and eat it. It is okay if I can't have her and it is okay if she doesn't feel the same way like I do. Telling her how I feel doesn't mean that I have to have her as mine and knowing that I like her doesn't mean that she has to take me as her girlfriend. It doesn’t matter and I am not hoping but one thing for sure I will always keep her in my prayers because she has touched my heart in her own ways and she has earned my respect and deserves my humble prayers and blessings.