The Old Lady

The things we said and the things we have done cannot be unsaid and cannot be undone. That is the thing with words and actions. We cannot wash them and wipe them the way we wipe dishes. When I was walking home on Wednesday after school, I had to go through an underpass, which leads me to the Mass Rapid Transit (MRT) Station. This underpass is about 150 meters long and there are many occasions when I came across beggars who are blessed with a pair of arms and legs. They were born completely perfect physically. I have always had this principle about giving charity - only give to those who are really needy, genuine and that charity must be given to an authorized people or organization. I hardly give charity to an individual in public who begs without authorisation and who seems not genuine. It is just something that I have been taught to do and I, being a kid who stomach everything that has been told and said to me without prejudice, believe and uphold that principle up till now until that walk in the underpass on Wednesday.

I saw an old lady standing at a corner looking very ashamed that she had to do what she was doing - begging. She was very frail and so vulnerable. She was thin and looked very weak. She didn't had any container to collect the dough that people had given, she just stretched out her long, thin right arm which is covered with the wrinkled skin telling me that she could be breathing for nearly 70 years on earth. She didn't look at me in the eye when I walked past her; she looked down as though she was in retrospection. She looked sad and I could see the sorrow in her face. As I was walking past her, I was contemplating on whether or not to contribute to this sad soul. I felt something about her that made me think twice about my beliefs and principles. The unspoken hope that she would get enough to feed herself is calling me. I slowed down my steps and still deciding. I took a second look at her and I saw her face, her sad face that can launch a thousand ships with all her sad life stories. I looked at the people around me walking past her very quickly pretending to be oblivious to the surrounding. Didn’t they see this poor old lady? I took a deep breath inhaling the polluted air as polluted as my life has been. I thought about this old lady who looked so genuine that she needed some charity from the public even without any authorisation. I still hesitated and I kept on walking with my mind still focusing about this old lady. I continued walking further and further away from her and I ended up did not contribute to her. I reached the MRT station and boarded the train feeling very bad and lousy. I felt as though I had committed the worst crime in the century and I deserved the capital punishment.

I got home and I greeted my parents. I took a warm shower (as usual) and I ate my dinner. I couldn't eat peacefully. I was still thinking of that old lady. I wonder if she would have enough to buy herself dinner. If she has had enough to buy dinner, would she have enough to buy herself breakfast the next day? What about the days yet to come? How would she survive? Where are her children or worst still does she has one? I wonder if she would be fine. I stared at my plate and stole a glance at my mum and dad. What would happen to them if I turned out to be an ungrateful daughter and neglected them? Would they end up being like the old lady in the underpass? Would my parents Central Provident Funds (EPF in Malaysian terms) or their insurance and their stocks and shares be enough to support them till the end of their life?

I never blamed my parents for instilling such belief in me about giving charity. They have their reasons and I know they are just being logical and practical. Every year during Ramadan, I never fail to see the same old people begging at the pathways of Arab Street or Geylang Serai here in Singapore. I will see them with their children and babies as young as one year old sitting with their plastic cup waiting for the dough from people. They didn't look pitiful to me, and they didn't look absolutely genuine, but nevertheless they still beg. And there has been a stigma that these people are just opportunist who just takes advantage of the Muslims holy month, Ramadan. We are all aware that Ramadan is the month where if we Muslims do good deeds, we will be blessed 10 times as much than the other usual months. This issue has been raised many times by the public and media coverage has been done here interviewing these beggars. I have read about this and I have seen these people and it made me wonder why are they always here in this month. Why are they here particularly in the month of Ramadan alone? I wonder what is going to happen to the children of these beggars? Are they going to continue the habit that they have seen in their parents and create chain reactions? I rest my case.

It is to my belief that when you have the means to work and earn a decent living, it is wrong of you to beg especially in the holy month. We shouldn't have taken advantage of a situation using religion as a mask to hide our real intentions. There is nothing more disgraceful and despicable than that. We ought to be more responsible for our own welfare and we never should be too dependent on others. I have nothing against these people but knowing the fact that they use Ramadan as a catalyst to increase their funds just appalled me. I never contributed to them for I do not want to give them the impression that I allow them to take advantage of Ramadan. I do not want to encourage them. My statement is debatable of course.

I ponder at the thought that what if everybody share the same view as I do and stop giving these kind of beggars some charity. Then, they won’t make enough and will that make them realize that working to put food on the table is more respectable than begging. Having accustomed to the situation in Singapore during Ramadan makes me a little wary of beggars. I do think about them and their well-being but I just do not feel for them. I always wonder why did they do it. Perhaps, they do not want to do it but circumstances make them to. Perhaps, they have no other alternatives and they had to resort to begging. For whatever reasons they have, I am sure that somehow they are needy people. It is just how and when they seek financial help is a little controversial.

A good friend once told me that she has stopped doing good deeds ever since she has got herself involved in lesbianism. She felt that she is being a hypocrite by doing so. It’s a choice we make for ourselves. It’s difficult to explain and more difficult to understand. I can comprehend her views but I won’t buy it. We cannot stop doing good deeds just because we are all lesbians or gay men. Whether it is being accepted or not, it is not known to us. That’s just between Him and us. We do what we have to do and leave the rest to Him. No human can guarantee that we will be place in heaven when we die. Even how staunch he is, he is in no place able to have the liberty to be judgmental about our place when we die. It’s not his job to do so neither anyone else.

A girlfriend of mine gives away charity easily to whomever she deems fit to receive. She once said that she has been taught that way and it is all about heartfelt sympathy and understanding of these beggars’ conditions and situations. She makes sense to me and I respect her beliefs. Perhaps I should adopt her beliefs and not be too rigid in upholding my principles. Whoever we give to, we just know that we have done our part as a citizen of the world to lighten the burden of another. Giving charity is not a duty imposed to us by the statues, contract, conventions or doctrines but it is a duty imposed to us upon an individual by virtue of emotional bonding even though it is not legally binding but we still have a choice to practice.

Going back to the old lady, I realized that it is really up to our own discretion on to give or not to give. It has been said that, the hand that gives is better than the hand that receives it. Never mind of the situations and circumstances. And when we give charity, we should put aside our beliefs and principles. There is only one belief and one principle that we will uphold when we give away charity – charity itself. The benevolence or generosity toward others or toward humanity must come from within; it must come from the heart sincerely without hoping to get anything. The highest exercise of charity is charity towards the uncharitable.

I stayed in my room, and stared at the blue wall. I was engulfed with regret and a strong sense of guilt. I had left the old lady without a penny, inside my heart or wherever it is that feeling dwell was spilling, I wanted to contradict what I had done to her. I am so angry with myself and I wanted to tell her that I am sorry. I meant to understand her and to offer her with whatever that I have got in my pocket. I wanted to tell her that I shouldn’t have hesitated. Screw my bloody principles and I!

I still think of the old lady and how I regret so much for not giving. I cannot forget about her. It follows me from home to school, stoops with me as I bend to tie my Redwings boot shoelace, trots into the shed where I get the hose, even pursues me down into the bowels of a ship if I happen to be a seafaring man. Yes, her face is still clear in my memory as the crystals in my mum’s collections. I make a silent prayer to God that I would come across her again so that I will have the opportunity to do my part as a fellow being who cares about another without prejudice. God blesses her.