Overriding Islam With Idealistic Stand

To write or not to write was my reaction when I read about the article in the papers. I was not angry, however I was more afraid of the implications it could bring to the Muslim communities all over the world. It added to our already much publicized controversies and it will certainly make the non-Muslims question the integrity of Islam. If it is not well taken care of, many Muslims might be misled to the extent it can be very dangerous for the developments of Islam.

Dr. Amina Wadud sparked off yet another controversy when she held the Friday prayer in a chapel at America. what made it worse was the fact that she led the prayer which included men as her `ma`mum`. The number one rule is, a woman cannot lead a congregational prayer when the `ma`mum` consists of men and boys, however it is possible for her to do so when the `ma`mum` consist of only women. It is stated clearly and I am sure every born Muslim regardless a devouted one or not knows of this fact. She is a professor at one of the university in the United states teaching Islamic History. One would consider her as an educated lot and has achieved impressive educational qualifications in her field of study to get to where she is right now.

Educated is the key characteristic here and as much as I am impressed of the field of her expertise, I am also very much afraid and disappointed with her. Her reason for doing the thing she did is to uphold the rights of women in Islam. Many have been misinformed about Islam and many thought that Islam is a religion which oppresses women making them as a second class citizen which is absolutely false. She wants to state her point that women are equal to men and they are as capable as men in all aspects of life including leading Friday prayers failing to look further with careful analysis of the very fundamentals of Islam.

I can understand her intention and from the surface she means well, however her ways to be heard is absolutely unacceptable. She goes against the rule of Islam and what is even worrying is she does not do it alone but with a whole lot of other Muslims men and women who joined her in the prayer. Imagine what could possibly happen if the Muslim authorities do not interfere with her actions. The situation is ironic because in her effort to uphold her stand in fighting for women's rights in Islam, she is simultaneously violating Islam and misleading the people. There are many Muslims who do not practice the teachings of Islam but it is even more tragic to practice the teachings of Islam only to misdirect other fellow Muslims into believing what is prohibited in Islam is fine to do. For a second while reading the article, I thought to myself, I know how I lead my life as a lesbian is sinfully wrong and I am never proud of it. I am aware that I go against Islam and I never try to make people think it is right to be a lesbian. Therefore, I could not help but to ponder if those Muslims were aware of what they did. I wonder if they knew it is not right but they still did it because they have been influenced by the professor's theories on women's right in Islam.

There were pictures of them showing the professor as the 'Imam' and when I studied the picture, there was a woman praying beside some men with her aurat, her head, hair and neck exposed and I can only looked at the picture in disbelieve. I was totally appalled and was taken aback. The only conclusion I can gather is that humans are trying to outsmart God and apply their own way of thinking and understanding into the practices of Islam. Whatever happens to the rule of Sufi? Didn't the professor take that into consideration before she embarks on her shocking crusade? How can she even allow a woman `ma`mum` without covering her aurat to pray behind her? If she can’t even ensure that minimum requirement is meet to pray, then I cannot stop wondering what does she want to prove here.

There are other methods of upholding your beliefs in something. There are many ways to make yourself be heard and there are definitely more channel for you to voice out your opinions on something. Her stand was to solely give the message to the mass of the equality between men and women in Islam. Perhaps she has been too engrossed in her efforts to give a spectacular performance failing to open her eyes to see that there are already many successful Muslim women in the world today that has made a name for themselves and even rule countries. To name a few, Benazir Bhutto of Pakistan, Megawati Sukarnoputri of Indonesia and Begum Khaleda Zia of Bangladesh. What about Shirin Ebadi the first Muslim woman to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize from Iran? A lawyer noted for promoting the rights of women and children by seeking changes in Iran's divorce and inheritance laws, can't she be someone the Muslim women look up to as an idol for Muslim women's success in the history of the world?

What about Halimah Yakoob, the first Singapore Muslim woman who paved her way for success and now a member of the parliament. she represents the whole community of Muslim women in Singapore and many are proud of her contributions. What about Marina Mahathir who is the President of the Malaysian AIDS Council and Chairman of the Board of Trustees of the Malaysian AIDS Foundation, Datuk Azalina Othman the Sports Minister of Malaysia and Datuk Dr. Mashita Ibrahim? I believe for Dr. Amina Wadud to state that women must have equal rights as men in Islam is something which she has to study and research with great details because the holy Quran does not have anything in it that state women are second class citizen. If the rights of Muslim women are limited as my vocabulary, then I am sure we will not see and have many exemplary successful Muslim women that has won themselves some of the most coveted awards and hold office.

Dr. Amina Wadud has to know that in most cases customs and traditions have been mixed with religion and when too much of them have been mixed with religion, it can give the impression that it is the religion that demands such practices in life. This will automatically allow other non-believers or even the believers of Islam to think that Islam is a religion that discriminates women. One has to do a lot of homework, research and analysis before jumping into such bias conclusion. One religion has too many different followers from diverse backgrounds and races. It is inevitable not to mix traditions with religion.

When I was studying for my A level, a teacher teaching general paper took the initiative to read the English version of the holy Quran and told the class openly that there are no oppressions or discriminations in Islam against women. She is a non-Muslim and why do you think she bothered? Perhaps she is someone of high integrity who prefers to be fair before giving out judgements on other people’s faith.

I was imagining a scenario where a Muslim gay fights for his rights proclaiming it under the term of human rights. He may have a case in the court of law but he will be burnt in hell. Once, a Muslim man spoke to me before of how disappointed he was when his lottery ticket did not win first prize and he went on to say that God probably did not make him win because God knows he would perhaps be greedy if He lets him wins. I was thinking to myself, how can he even has an inkling of such an idea when what he did to get rich quick is already questionable in Islam? In my opinion, God probably didn't let him win because God wants him to get rich in a respectful manner. We are indeed humans with flaws and weaknesses that sometimes when we think of reasons and excuses for our actions, we fail to take logic and religious grounds into considerations.

We need to have rules and regulations which can guide us. We must have a code of conduct to ensure people behave in accordance with the suggested guidelines. Schools, offices, universities, colleges and even the ministers in the cabinet have certain rules for them to obey. That applies to religions as well, there are flexibilities to some rules and regulations, however one must not go far and beyond until the extent of confusing and misleading the mass with our own baseless personal beliefs. We have to register in our brain that acts which are considered 'haram' in Islam cannot be made 'halal' even though it is for a good cause. For example, it is still 'haram' to buy a lottery ticket with the hope to win the big prize money in order to help our parents to settle the high hospital bills. Even though the intention is good but the act to get the intention done is 'haram' and it will remains as haram. It is clear that her intention is a good one but she did not make her stand to uphold her beliefs in an acceptable manner instead she is indirectly insulting Islam which was why many Muslims have ordered her to be punished and even killed.

I too has gone astray and it is nothing but shame and disgrace I brought upon myself but it is even more disgraceful to carry out our own personal beliefs which is against the teachings of Islam and then feel no wrong about it and what's worse is to manipulate the rest of the people to follow suit.

Time and again we are encouraged to think out of the box and to pursue for knowledge as much as we can get. Nevertheless, in the process of doing that we must disallow ourselves to get too carried away with extreme idealistic argument till the extent that we jeopardize our own belief and comprehension of our faith. We must bear in mind that no matter how much or how little we have achieved academically, we are after all humans with qualities that are not comparable to God. We are nothing and nowhere near him and we must not challenge his intelligence because he is the most gracious and the most merciful. In my opinion, this only happened because she failed to see the beauty of Islam and did not allow the logic of Islam on the whole to influence her. It is then right to say that a person deemed to have achieved academic excellence does not necessarily be right all the time or able to make sound arguments in his crusade to champion a certain cause.

When Business Solely Means Profit

As I was eating my bowl of Mee Soto, I cannot help to ponder the logic behind what I have paid for it. I tried to blend common sense and business together to comprehend the reasons or theories behind the pricing of the food but I still did not manage to come to a sound conclusion. In my view, even a reasonable 12 year old kid would find it appalling. One would think that I am merely being penny-pinching because it only involves a very small amount of money but I would like to think of it as a matter of ethics rather than a 'small amount of money'.

It was not my usual place to have lunch but I frequent the food court about twice a week and over here, you will only have two choices of food if you are a Muslim. It is the norm to see only one Malay Muslim stall and the other one, Indian Muslim stall in most of the food courts or coffee shop here. Therefore, we the Muslims here are not left or spoilt with many varieties of food. I often settled for the Malay Muslim stall because I have this 'thing' about Mee Soto. I can eat Mee Soto daily for one month without getting tired of it. I wouldn't say it's my favourite food but I just have a 'bond' with it and if I were to pick other food, I would feel bad, and the imaginary side of me would say Mee Soto is disappointed with me as if it is alive. Call me crazy or weird but that's the truth and nothing but the truth.

A bowl of Mee Soto cost 3 dollars and is served with a fair share of portion. It comes with the noodles, soup, and slices of chicken, bean sprouts and the fried mashed potato, served in a bowl. Usually, the level of soup is about 2cm below the rim of the bowl. Having frequented that stall and never failed to have Mee Soto for lunch for more than 10 times, I have begun to recognise each of the stall's staff. Most of the staffs there are friendly and give service with a smile. Most of them are quite generous with the portion of food they serve us. However, I began to have an unpleasant feeling towards one of them. This happened when she served me a bowl of Mee Soto. I did not expect to be served with such unbelievable portion. The difference is obvious just by looking at the bowl. I was surprised but I did not say a word because I knew she could be one of god's measly slaves on earth who happen to work there. I paid for it and walked away with great dissatisfaction and regret. When I dug in into the bowl, I noticed not only the noodles and the soup were little but even the slices of chicken meat as well. It turned me off and I couldn't help to wonder why did she serve with such unbelievable portion? Immediately, I promise myself not to place my order with her anymore.

The next two days after that, I came to the stall again and saw her working. I tried to avoid her from taking my order but luck was not on my side and damn, she took my order. Knowing how little she would serve me, I asked for extra noodles. Now, extra noodles would cost an extra 50 cents and this is acceptable and reasonable. I was served with more noodles but with less bean sprouts, less chicken slices and less soup. How she served me was not even equivalent to the portion I would have if the other staff were to serve me at the usual price. I was not only disappointed but I was upset as well. I did not let that matter deter me from coming again so there I was placing my order for a bowl of Mee Soto. I guess luck will never be on my side when she was around and I really had no other choice but to surrender the fate of my order to her. Having served twice by her, I knew I had to ask for extra noodles which cost 50 cents more and remembering that she was not generous with everything else; I took the initiative to ask for extra soup. The minute I asked for extra soup, she gave me an unpleasant look and told me that it will cost me 4 dollars in all. I knew the look she gave me meant more than just a look. It was as if she was sending me a message not to think that everything comes extra without paying extra. I kept my cool and looked away from her.

I was taken aback when I was told it would cost me 4 dollars for extra noodles and extra soup. It didn't cross my mind that I would have to pay extra by merely asking for extra soup. I believe no one would even think so too. When I went to the cashier to pay for my food, I spoke to the cashier whom I believed is the owner of the stall about what I think. She seemed embarrassed and apologetic and I told her that if a request for extra soup which consists of simply water and spices could cost me another 50 cents, they might as well charge me for the chilli. I was thinking to myself, don't they have any standard operating procedures on how much should be served and what should be charged and what shouldn't be charged? It was not as if I ate there for the first time in my entire life that they can charge me as and how they like. I asked for more bean sprouts before but I was not charged for it. Does it make a difference in the way I make a request? Do they only charge when a customer asks for 'extra' and not 'more'? Do I have to say 'may I have more soup please' in order not to be charged? It is silly and absurd. I never believed she charged me because she has to, but it is more of her miserly despicable attitude. I am so revolted by people who are selfish, stingy and calculative when it comes to food matters. How much profit do you want from the food you sell? Where is the business etiquette here? Does every ladle of soup counts and every pieces of bean sprouts count?

I began to believe that they have double standard pricing policy. It makes me sick and it saddened me as well so much that I have promised myself not to have my lunch there anymore. It is not about the money but it's the approach that I am disgusted with. 50 cents is just money less than a dollar but it's how I was being priced that sickened me and I cannot and will not tolerate such behaviour.

What bothers me most was the fact that, she was so ungenerous that it is becoming astonishing. It seems ridiculous to the extent that it is illogical. I am sure; nobody would have thought that by merely asking for an extra soup would cost us even a penny let alone 50 cents. Take all the other foods in the world which are served with gravy on the side or soup. I have eaten Indian Prata or Canai, Mee Siam and Mee Rebus many a times and I couldn't recall being charged extra when asked for extra soup or gravy. So where the hell is the common sense here?

I am disturbed with the existing mindset in her and I am worried that it will become the habits of food stall handler to be so parsimonious even for extra soup. It seems to me that profit making is becoming the number one priority for businesses without taking logic and common sense into considerations. Generosity does not seem to have any value anymore and I am not surprised if a spoonful of chilli will cost patrons of that stall with people like that working for them.

Nobody do business to lose instead business is to make profit and I began to think if the thought of profit making alone is making our businessmen becoming unethical and dishonest. If it is, then it is utterly shameful.

I have been to a cobbler and a key smith shop before. I wanted to get my belt shortened and he did this for me for free. I offered to pay at least a dollar for his workmanship but he politely decline with a smile. I never can forget that one good deed he did to me. It was a simple job and if he was a shrewd businessman who only thinks of profit, I was sure that I was going to be charged for at least 3 dollars. Why can the cobbler be generous and why can’t the food stall handler be? I started to wonder if is it just the inborn characteristics of a person that determines the kind of businessman they would be or is it the thought of profits? How much can a business lose if 30 customers request for extra soup which is only half ladle full for each request in a month?

It is miserable to know that we are living in a world where there are such people who would make extra soup request into a priced item for sale, who only thinks of profit overlooking the rational behind it. All I know she has lost one customer and respect not only as a food stall handler but also as a person altogether.

To Read Is To Believe

The Paragon in Orchard Road has many long stretches of staircases leading to it. A few meters away from the staircases, there was a man standing on his self built mini stage with just enough space for him to stand and make small moves. He was only in his undies and there was `Guns and Roses’ singing at the background. I knew he was busking so I stopped to take a look; he had caught many attentions and had become the centre of attraction.

He was moving slowly and his facial expressions changed with the sound of the music. He was doing it so artistically I didn't think any ordinary man could do even with a lot of practice. I personally think that one needs to be passionate about it as it involves full-scale emotions and expressions. It's like acting only more difficult and spontaneous. There were are no cuts, no repeat of takes and no nothing that could hide your acting flaws. It was very impromptu and I will say it's an art he was doing. I was impressed beyond any reasonable doubt. However, I didn’t think that a group of teenagers would agree with me because they were jeering at him. I was not quite sure if they understood what the busker was trying to do. Perhaps they were just acting plain stupid and rowdy on purpose trying to steal a little attention from the public that the busker has won for himself because there are many of those bunches in Orchard Roads on weekends. So was there any Art at all?

This reminds me of `Mona Lisa Smile’ and I cannot help but to ponder on some of the dialogue. What is art? An art is an art when someone says it is. So who is that someone? Could it be any Tom, Dick or Harry or it must be someone who is highly qualified in that particular field? Who are we to say? Art is something, which is very subjective, and views on an art will differ and vary among people. Art will be meaningful only to people who know how to appreciate it. These people are the ones who understand the message behind that piece of cloth with paints, or that act on stage, which has no dialogue or that abstract sculpture. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; therefore, what is pretty or beautiful to us may not be to others. What is an art to me may not be to you.

Have you ever wonder about the things people say, the things you see and about the things you read in the books and in the movies? About the good and bad, the ugly and the beautiful, what is right and what is wrong? There are many times we come across informations that takes a lot of understanding to digest and apply. Informations are good but we do not necessarily have to follow them because of our shortcomings or circumstances. We cannot believe everything we hear, read or see and we cannot take everything as it is.

I have read that cats have been pets to people for thousands of years. Cats were kept for pest control, companions and they were worshipped as Gods to ancient Egyptians. The Egyptians even made some of their cats into mummies when they died!

I bought myself a kitten and I am going to name her Serena. She's still feeding on her mother's milk; therefore I have to wait till she's three months before I can bring her home. That is one of the most crucial criteria to buy a kitten from a certified breeder. No kittens, which are less than 3 months old, allowed to be taken away. The kittens will be vaccinated and deworm before they are released. I am preparing my home to welcome Serena and I am quite excited for her arrival when I came to know from someone that she could get depressed living in homes, which fall under high-rise building category. The lack of space could also contribute to her depression if she were ever going to be depressed. I was puzzled but I do not doubt the fact since it's coming from National Geographic so to speak, but I cannot help to think beyond the reasoning given.

Cats are divided into categories and many different kinds of breeds. There are wild cats, big cats which usually mean tigers and domestic cats, which live in-door with their owners. I am not quite sure which category was referred to as the information was being told to me without specifications. It is imperative to know of such a fact and if it is applicable to our situations. Circumstances do not allow you to fully oblige by the dos and don’ts of certain things and somehow you just have to settle for second best most of the times.

I might not have read enough nor have I asked a lot. After gathering informations from certified and experienced cat breeders and owners living in flats from the cat society, many opinions on cats getting depressed with heights or the lack of space differ from individuals. However, everyone agreed that cats are not encouraged to be cooped up in cages. This of course is directed to domestic cats, which is applicable to my situation. No matter where you are living, spacious or not, let them roam freely and provide them with enough care and love.

Since it was emphasised that the information came from National Geographic, I spent my days and nights reading. I came across an article about feral felines, which have been causing a lot of problems to the environment. Julie Levy, a veterinarian and professor at the University of Florida College of Veterinary Medicine in Gainesville says the Trap-Neuter-Return (TNR) method is the answer to permanently reducing wildcat populations. The entire colonies of cats are trapped, vaccinated, and sterilized by a veterinarian.

Homes are found for young kittens, which can be tamed. Healthy adults are returned outdoors, where volunteers feed and look after them for the remainder of their lives. The method, however, is neither quick nor simple. But the Wildlife organizations suggested that killing those cats is the best solution but Levy does not agree saying it is not feasible. A speaker of the Wildlife Organization has this to say to people, who oppose the idea telling me that it is either you go along with it or you go to war with it,

"If people object to those cats being euthanized, since quite often homes can't be found for them, then those people should take those cats and put them on their own property or in stray and feral cat sanctuaries, where they can be protected and safe and not harm any other animal or harm the general public, that, to us, is the real solution."

After much has been said, it all boils down to the cat owners themselves. They must be responsible towards the well being of their cats. Food, health and cleanliness are factors to be seriously taken into account. A responsible owner will do whatever in his capacity to provide the cats with a good home. It’s pointless to provide a spacious home for cats when their basic necessities are ignored. Come to think of it, there would surely be chaos all over the world if cats’ owners living in high-rise buildings decided to set the cats free because National Geographic said that cats get depressed with heights. I cannot bring myself to imagine that.

I read an article that was published in the paper about the most approachable method to discipline a child between caning and reasoning. Both have their flaws and the good sides of them. Surveys and researches have been conducted and they show that parents who use the cane to discipline their children resulted in their children having less behavioural problems but are usually emotionally estranged and parents who use the latter method resulted in the children having more behavioural problems but are unlikely to be emotionally estranged. A group of psychologists have been called and most of their opinions vary. However, all of them agree on one thing, which is to have a balanced diet of disciplinary methods on the children.

As we have advanced into the millennium with all the digital gadgets and people are getting more educated and knowledgeable, I cannot stop to think about the ways parents raised up their children in the olden days. There was zero or very few cases in the olden days about students threatening or hitting the teachers in school but it has been occurring too often nowadays that parents, teachers and the government are thinking of where did it go wrong and started suggesting remedies to that social problems. They started to make studies and seek opinions from experts pertaining the issues and come up with all the theories. But have we ever stopped to think if it is really effective to apply all those theories in real life situations? I often wonder why do we come up with new ideologies and theories when we could learn from the past? It seems to me that the more technologically advanced and superiors we have become and the more books on raising up a child are published, the more social problems we are likely to have.

Let’s go back to animals; if there were two animals on earth that I am chronically afraid of, they are sharks and crocodiles. I watched ‘Open Water’ which was based on true events in the cinema recently. Although I am very much afraid of sharks, however, I am still a little fascinated about them. Open water is a story about a husband and wife who went for a holiday in the Bahamas. They went for a scuba diving trip and were stranded literally by their boat in the open sharks infested water. The dive master miscounted the number of people on board when he did a headcount and left the spot where the couple were scuba diving leaving them behind. The rest of the movie showed how the couple depended on each other for support and strength to survive that ordeal but they never made it because the sharks were too hungry. I have read in books that say, sharks do not prey on humans. When we are facing them, try to remain still like we are dead because sharks hate dead bodies. I watched how the couple tried to remain calm but still the sharks did not leave them alone. The husband got bitten at the leg and died due to excess loss of blood. The wife let go of his body and it floated further and further away from her. After awhile, I saw the sharks started to feast on his dead body, shaking and moving it on the water. I started to wonder if what we read and know can be helpful in times of true events such as this especially when we are dealing with dangerous animals. So many tips and advice but how calm can we be to apply the knowledge in dangerous situations? It's hard not to get panicked, almost impossible.

I have got myself a few handbooks on cats rearing and registered myself as a member of the Cats Society. All I wanted to do is to give Serena a shelter, love, care and a place where she can call it home in her own language. Doesn't matter what National Geographic or what the Wildlife organisation think. I am going to give her balanced treatments of love and discipline, I am going to allow her to have all the space indoor she needs and I am going to be her mother. It's good to have tips and guidelines from experts and the right sources on how to handle situations but it is only up to us to know if it does really work. Having guides, tips and advice is not enough unless you know how to apply them effectively and according to circumstances and situations, otherwise it would defeat the whole purpose because even opinions, suggestions and remedies to a problem from experts and professionals in the relevant field vary let alone the ordinary people like us.

Thoughts Of A Muslim Lesbian

As I was alone and thinking about the current events that happened to my family, I couldn't help to think about the death of people like us, the gay people or rather the people with abnormal sexual preference. That did not come from me but I do believe that is what normal people would think of people like us. Like I said in my earlier thoughts, the people with mainstream ideologies brand us abnormal. Somehow or rather, I do have the same opinion with them and there is nothing on earth we do and say that can make people consent the way we live our lives. Perhaps they can understand but I doubt if they can accept us. Men are created for women and vice versa, that is what I learnt from religious school and that is the one fact out of many facts in this world that is upheld and believed by the common people all over the world regardless of race, religion or language in a sovereign country or not.

After witnessing the death of a brother who died at a young age, I went through the days of living without him. My brother was not married and he did not leave anyone behind except for his family members. No spouse and no kids. As a Muslim, I am aware that when a person dies, everything about him will die with him, all good and bad deeds done by him while he was alive will ceased and there is only one kind of good deed done by him that will outlive him until the end of time even if he is dead. That good deed is the financial donations and his voluntary work to orphans and the mosque. Apart from that, the living usually say some prayers for the dead and only the prayers of the children of the dead person who are a devouted Muslims themselves be recognised by god. I may be wrong or inaccurate in my findings and I seek forgiveness but this is what it has been said. Knowing that, I cannot stop thinking of what will happen to me when I am dead? Marriage is not in my agenda and I am still single and living life as a lesbian in a closet. If I were to die young while my parents are still alive, I am sure they would do their part as my parents but the norm is, parents usually leave the children first. So if my parents were to leave me for a bigger world, which would leave me alone with my other brothers, who can I self-assuredly believe will continue to pray for me?

Have you ever wonder how would it be like if there is no one left in your family to read ‘Yassin’ for you when you were dead? Have you ever thought that we are a group of people that has the high probability of dying alone in our own homes? Have you ever stop to think if you have done enough for your future to stay a spinster for the rest of your lives? Have you ever thought of who will take care of you if you have become aged, sick and worse still, disabled? Did we ever pause for a second to think about all the possibilities that could happen to us?

There have been many cases of aged people dying alone at home without someone realising until a few days later when neighbours complaint of a foul smell. Police have to break into the homes only to find the corpse of an old lady or man. Some of these elderly had been single all their lives and some had children of their own but could not be bothered about the wellbeing of their parents.

Dying old and alone is something, which we do not wish to occur to us but at times it is inevitable because of circumstances. Most people who died alone had no family of their own or their children have abandoned them. They had no one to depend on except for themselves. I have pictured myself going through the stage of ageing and I know how would it be like living alone when you are old. I am afraid that I might not be able to take care of myself. I am afraid that my health will deteriorate and I will eventually get sick to even move around. I imagine of all the worse scenarios and I began to enlighten myself that living and growing old alone can be one difficult task if you have not made adequate mental and financial measures.

We are lucky to have live in a generations where things are more advanced, financial plannings are readily available, protections are within reach and help and aids are just a phone call away. The only thing we need to know is how to profit and utilise them.

It is unlikely that I am going to get married because of what I am. It is something, which I have never thought about. Looking at it, the probability of living alone for me is high and I thought about the things, which I am afraid of. To protect my interest, I bought a few insurance policies, which gives me a financial, and protection security. I discipline myself to put aside a sum of money monthly for the premiums. I made sure that each policy benefits me in one way or another so that when I consolidate all the policies I have, every inch of my body is protected. I made sure that my money in my CPF account grows as I aged by investing into bonds and the policies act as a saving, protection and as an investment tool as well.

When my brother passed away, I began to realise that life is not eternal. We could die anywhere and anyhow. It is even scarier to think about death when you are a Muslim. We know how much we have done to prepare ourselves for the other world and how ready are we to face death. And frighteningly, we do not have a choice, if it is time for us to leave, we have to leave regardless in what state we are in. Death waits for no one ready or not.

I was never a practising Muslim before until my brother's death. I only watched when my parents pray but I hardly joined them.

I did not feel an urge to perform the prayers and I had forgotten my responsibility as a Muslim. I have financially prepared myself to live and grow old alone. I thought that was enough until it struck me that what matters most is how much good deeds I have done to bring me to the other world. I have thought about that but every time I thought about it, I disregard it like it is a minor thing to think about.

Sometimes, in a person’s life it takes the death of someone or something tragic to happen to you to make you realise and repent. I am feeling fairly remorse now but I cannot say that I am a new person. I dare not say. I am not sure if this feeling that I am having is going to be temporary or permanent. I have no answer for that, I can only wait and see. I have never stopped praying since the day my brother died. What seems so alien to me has become something that I do daily. The ‘Yassin’ and ‘Tahlil’ have been the 'in' thing for me and I am slowly remembering certain verse. I am ‘Jawi’ illiterate and I have grown an interest to learn how to read in ‘Jawi’. I have grown an interest to read the Quran and understand the meaning behind every verse. I hope I can read it in ‘Jawi’ soon and I am working out something to be able to do that. It's quite hard over here unless you know the Malay community well in your neighbourhood but I am not giving up.

I am not surprise why I have this sudden interest in Islam so much. I am a born Muslim but I know I have lack a lot of knowledge about Islam and I have been trying to read up on what I have missed about it but I have been procrastinating and putting off things to do. I always said to myself that I can do it tomorrow or the day after tomorrow but it is true that when you have witnessed your own flesh and blood depart from this world, somehow the feeling of remorse envelope you and you start to look at yourself and analyse what you have been missing in life. I am not talking about total reformation of myself because I know; to reform needs a lot of determination, courage and perseverance. You need to be single minded about it and you need to focus because when it comes to religion, it is an issue which you cannot take for granted.

I am just thinking if I am at a crossroads and which road will I choose? Will I take the road less travelled or will I just continue to travel on the road I have been travelling on? When you realised that you are gay as young as 5 years old, it is difficult to turn over a new leaf. Having an abnormal sexual preference is something, which is hard to change because it is in you and it deals with emotions. Emotions are something, which is hard to handle because they are very delicate and have to be handled with care. Knowing that you are gay at the age where your curiosity is building up, turning over a new leaf from something which you have believed and practised all your life that has become your flesh and blood is a tall order; an almost impossible mission to participate. It has become a part of you and it takes real feelings of repentance, guilt and shame, which come from the bottom of your heart sincerely without the slightest doubt. You will feel it once you have got it and when you feel that, there is no turning back anymore. It happens spontaneously and naturally. It is like you get an intangible message from God that opens up your heart to come back to the right path. The door to heaven is open wide for you and to be able to taste paradise will depend on you.

I have read about a Muslim woman who was a prostitute for 11 years and how she has left that chapter of her life to start a new chapter free from unlawful sexual desires. She didn’t plan to change, it just happens because she had contracted a sexually transmitted disease (STD) and she turned to God for help. How she has cried wholeheartedly every time she prays regretting over what she has done in the past and I assume she got the message.

I ponder on the things I have gone through and how they have made me wise. Reading about the repent prostitute tells me that it is not a mission impossible after all to turn over a new leaf. You have to want it and you must have that strong desire to make a change. You have got to break down those walls around you. You have to bring yourself closer to faith and God to seek help from Him. I am in the process of bringing myself closer to God and faith but I am still afraid. I am afraid that I will not be able to love anymore. I am afraid that I will totally shut my heart from loving another woman because loving another woman is the food to my soul and rhythm to my music. I am weak to want to change. I am weak to declare that I want to change. I am afraid that I would miss the tender loving touch of the woman whom I love. It hurts not to be able to share my life officially with women whom have captured my attention. I often ask myself why am I blessed with such complicated sexual desires only to make more sins day after day of my live. I can only love a woman and it hurts so much to live life like this.

I am not sure if I am getting the message or the message is coming to me but all I want to do right now is to prepare myself for the bigger world just like I am preparing to be financially independent to live alone. I want to go back to the basics and comprehend the fundamentals. I will begin with the most essential things, which all Muslims must do and I will leave the rest to God. I will continue to do good deeds in my lifetime while I can and to save enough ‘pahala’ to survive in the other world. Perhaps I will remain single with no woman to intimately love, for all you know I might be a non-practising lesbian but a practising Muslim. Does that make any sense? I have been thinking about adopting kids to regard as my own. I have the intention to mould them to be good citizens to make beneficial contributions to the country. I want to take care of them and shower them with quality attention, love and care with the hope that I have at least someone to read ‘Yassin’ and ‘Tahlil’ for me when I am dead, someone to visit my grave, someone to put lilies or orchids on my grave, someone to water my grave and someone to include me in their daily prayers because I am honestly afraid of dying alone and forgotten but I do want to die peacefully with dignity as a Muslim. I want to die with ease. Those are my most sincere hopes and wishes deep down in my heart as a Muslim lesbian.

Oath To My Brother

We have never been so close neither have we been distant but I will always remember you as my big brother in times of sorrow and happiness. We grew up having and sharing the same kind of love mum and dad give. We live under the same roof and I have known you for as long as I live. Things between us have never been a smooth sailing. There were occasional sibling rivalries, misunderstanding and arguments. We always fought when we were young. We fought over small petty issues, which now seem rather silly for a reason to fight. The fighting gets lesser and lesser each day as we grow older, nevertheless they make us become close in one way or another.


You have always been the fat one in our family. I never fail to call you names because of your size. You just laughed at it and tried to come up with names for me as well. It is a habit for us to tease each other and laugh at it mischievously. I remember that you always give in to me. In times of my adversity, you are always there to protect or save me. Back then when we were in primary school, I always spent my pocket money on things I wasn't supposed to spend and I ended up with no money to buy food during recess. I would look for you then, and put on my most sympathetic expression. You gave me your pocket money sacrificing your meal of the day in school. You just didn't care about yourself. My comfort always comes first before yours. I remember the time when the dentist in school called me. My tooth was plucked out and I couldn't eat during recess. I came to you and told you about it sadly. You comforted me and bought me an eraser just to make me feel good. It didn't matter whether you had enough to buy food or not, all that matters was to put a smile on my face. It has become my habit to look for you in school whenever I was troubled, most of the times you will always have to give away your pocket money to me. It was an act, which I remember vividly till today.

We got older and you became irritating each day. I began to hate you. You were a pest in the family to me. Whatever that you do seems wrong to me. I even wanted you dead sometimes. I have thought of you as the annoying brother that I wish I never had. We fought so often that it was a surprise if we were on good terms. We stopped talking for a period of time. I couldn't take a look at you because every time I look at you, the anger in me snowballed waiting to erupt like a volcano. I have been angry with you for so many years. I never had the chance to let it out openly. I have always kept it to myself. How hard I tried I cannot let it go. It has been locked inside my heart not wanting to come out. I can sense that you were sorry for what happened but you didn't apologize. I knew you wanted to but you did not have the courage to do it. I knew you regretted the things that have happened and I knew if you can do a miracle, you would turn back the time and undo the things that had happened. We are after all humans, we have our flaws and weaknesses and we are not capable to live without mistakes. I have forgiven you and I have begun to look into the future instead of dwelling about the past. We began to talk and things were back to normal. We picked up from where we left and proceed with lives. I knew I had my big brother back even though it was not like before; knowing that I still have you to keep me save from harm is good enough. There were the occasional arguments but things have been good for us.

My knees felt weak when I heard the news, my hands shivered and my thoughts went back to the days when you were young, healthy and strong. How could someone so sturdy like you become so helpless and weak like a child? There were so many questions in my mind and I knew there was only one answer. It is all in His will. I took a deep breath and calmed myself. I looked at you and my heart is filled with sorrow and regrets. I knew I would lose you eventually and I regret because I haven't been much of a good sister to you. Since what happened before, I have never respected you. I have thought of you as dirt and I have always looked down on you. I have always thought that respect has to be earned. I looked back at all the good things you have done for me and I just realized of all the wrongs you have made, there were some things good that you have done to deserve and earn my respect, which I carelessly have overlooked.

The news hit me hard and it was not easy for me to stomach. It was the hardest news for the whole family. I have often heard in the news of people losing their families because of diseases, war and accidents. I never imagined things like that could happen to me but it is and I am scared. If only I could describe to you how scared I am. I wonder how is it going to be if you are gone. I never wish for it to happen no matter what the doctor says. I know that it is all up to Him. If you are really gone, your spirits will still lives on in me. I will carry it in the background wherever I go and I will never ever let anyone take it away.

It upset me to see you lying helplessly in the bed. You used to do everything on your own. Whenever I need to move my furniture, you were always there to help offering a helping hand without having me to request for it. You were considered as the ‘Superman’ in our family. Tall, big, fat and strong, that is what you are. A perfect brother you are not but you are close to perfect to me.

I remembered the time when I wanted to go mountain climbing. You were in the army and you thought me some absailing techniques. You told me stories of your jungle experiences in Thailand, Brunei and Australia. You taught me how to start a fire without matches. You helped me packed my stuffs and reminded me to take care of myself.

I remember when you wanted to come to my school to confront some boys who bullied me. I stopped you because I didn’t want to have any commotions in school. You were all ready to hit them, not afraid of anything. You always have the mindset that you are invincible. At some point, I have never been afraid of bullies because I knew I have you to watch over me. You were the bravest of hearts and the strongest of souls.

Things have changed now. Before you got critical, you moved slowly. Every time you moved your muscle, I can see that you are hurting but you kept on trying till you can’t. How bad you shiver, you still tried hard not wanting to give up till the last bit of energy left in your body. You have always been a fighter to me. I am so proud of you. I knew that every time you passed urine or passed motion and when I had to clean it up, you felt sorry and bad about it. You apologized for the mess and look at me with your sad eyes. You thanked me after I have cleaned you up. Do you have an inkling of an idea how much I am glad to be able to clean the mess for you? Do you have a clue that I would slave myself to do it for you because you are my brother? It hurts me so much when you apologized and thanked me. That is not what I want. All I ever wanted is for you to get well and start teasing me again. I miss all that very much.

I do not care anymore about the mess and the smell, it is you whom I care about and I would give anything for you to have a good health. I hope it is not too much to ask but I just want my brother back.


You couldn’t talk because it has spread to your speech muscle. I am not hearing you anymore. The house is so quiet. Everybody is gloom. I heard your voice again from my voice mailbox. You left me a message. I was sleeping; it was 4 in the morning. I knew you felt uncomfortable and wanted to change your diaper. I miss hearing your voice and I will keep on playing it till the message expires. You sounded so weak and helpless, desperate for anybody to help you. How I regret so much for not waking up on that night. I wanted to sleep by your side, I wanted to make you comfortable but I can’t. Things have not been easy for me too. I have grown so tired and exhausted from everything. Every time I look at you, it hurts so much. I am always angry nowadays but I do not know why. I’ve been isolating myself. I can’t talk to people anymore because every time I do that, I will snap at them easily. I am an angry girl again. I remember when you told me sadly about your friend who teased you about your disease. I called him and told him what I think of him. I have become so fearless nowadays. Probably this is what it means when people say, it is not the size of the dog that matters but it is the size of the fight in the dog that matters. It’s a mixture of both fearless and angry. I am not afraid of anything anymore. I used to be timid, you know that yourself.

Things have changed with me now just like how things have changed with you. I am focusing on protecting you like how you protected me before. You were my guardian angel and my knight in shining armor. I want to be there for you whenever you need me. I don’t care anymore if I am tired or worn out but I want to be there for you. I want to be the one to clean you, I want to be the one to feed you, I want to be the one to change your diaper and I want to be the first one to watch you walk again or hear you speak again. You know how I have prayed so much hoping for you to get well again. I have tried, everybody has. We did not give up, no matter how long or how difficult it was, we kept on trying and hoping. That’s our only chance. We hoped and we prayed with some efforts to cure you. I did whatever I could with every bone in my body, every drop of my blood, every bit of my energy and every drip of my sweat. With every beat of my heart and every prayer that I have said, I stood by you and tried to be the best sister you have ever had for the time we have left. These are my words of honor.

But time was not on our side. You left so soon giving me little time to make it up to you. I regret for not spending more time with you. I regret for saying mean things to you when you were well. I was so devastated inside beyond words. My heart is broken into millions of pieces on the night you left. I am crying inside like a child. I never thought that it would happen so fast. I heard what the doctors said. Six more months, that’s what they told me. You left earlier than that and I felt that it was unfair. I was so angry with the doctors only to realize that it is beyond what science and human technology can do. We only have so little of what He has. I have to admit defeat to the almighty. Watching you left was painful and the pain still exist waiting for time to become the healer. For the first time in my life, I witnessed the departure of my own flesh and blood. Seconds after you were gone, I was in shock and I comforted myself saying that it was all a dream but it was not. It is happening and it is happening to me. During your last moments, I looked at your eyes and I can see that you are breaking up inside. You said it was all right but I knew you were crying inside. I was so afraid I told myself that you were going to get better soon but you did not.

There isn’t a minute in my life I don’t think of you. I remembered the times when we were young and how you have left our world for a bigger world. Forgive me for being so angry when you left. I still think that some mistakes have been made and I am waiting for the time to make it up to you. Forgive me for being so insensitive when you were sick. Forgive me for not being there as often when you needed me. Forgive me for apologising less to you. I was too proud. Forgive me for shouting and yelling at you when you were alive. Forgive me because I did not held you in my arms when you were sick so that you did have to spend one minute being cold, pain or scared. I am sorry that I didn’t take better care of you. I am sorry that I ever fought with you. I am sorry for all the things I have said to you. I am sorry I didn’t bring you more compliments in whatever that you do. I am sorry that I did not hold on to you with all the strengths I have that even god couldn’t pull you away from me. I am sorry for not telling you how much I loved and love you still. I am sorry if I ever hurt your feelings. I am sorry for living with regrets now. I am sorry for being so lost, I keep crashing into things after you are gone, I am a little crazy now but I know it is only because I am still angry with myself and I am missing you so much.
I am still praying. The prayers help me a lot. I pray for your peace in the other world. I pray for you to feel spacious wherever you are. I pray for you to feel warm when it is cold and I pray for you to feel cold when it is boiling hot.

You came into my dream last night. You wore your red baju kurung with the songkok we bought for Aidilfitri. You looked so handsome, calm and collected. I kissed your hands in that dream and I felt so peaceful. I woke up with the dream and I am trying to keep it alive. I am writing to tell you that I am going into a journey to achieve what I am feeling in that dream. A sense of peace, a sense of belonging and love to a brother I truly and dearly miss because a brother’s love never dies.

Self Reflection

Dear diary, it has been awhile since I did a self-reflection. I have been busy with school and coping with life. A lot of my relatives are getting married and I am still leading the kind of life I have. I am happy with the way I am and contented with what I have. I haven't been writing to you but I have been thinking about you always. You are like the best friend I have always had. You know what I mean? You are my other half without a face. You are intangible and you do not talk back. You listen to me attentively and give no comments.

You may be lifeless but you are alive to me and I can talk to you almost about anything without you putting me down. Some people say it is bad because since you do not talk back, I will not know or realised the mistakes in life I have made to my friends and family. But I still like you the way you are. You give me a lot of space to sit back and reflect. You let me take my time to ponder at how I have been treating life or rather life has been treating me. It is a crazy world out there. So many things have happened and I have become so idealistic that I am afraid of myself. It is like I do not know myself anymore. I have never been like this and I am scared, thus I am writing to you. I know you will listen and you will understand.

I have always had problems trying to have conversations with this particular person. It seems to me that she is always against me. I think she hates me diary. What am I supposed to do? I just wanted to make some friends but I have been careless and insensitive. She said I am a bad person, vain, insensitive and superficial. What do you think? Is it true diary? I did some reflection, there are some truths but I didn't mean it. Have I been misunderstood? She told me not to easily conclude that I have been misunderstood when I am actually ignorant. I do not understand her. If I cannot say I have been easily misunderstood then what am I suppose to say. When we do or say something and when people thought of it as something else that was not our intention, isn't that a misunderstanding? Do we have another more accurate term for it?

I have made a mistake recently, wait, let me rephrase that. I have made many mistakes recently and I have been remorse about it. If I could turn back the time, I definitely would and make amends. But you know I can't and I have to live with the mistakes I have done. The only thing left for me to do is to apologise and swallowed my pride. I wanted to do that but I have a problem diary. I am too proud for that. I have always been the one to apologise first and overtime I have grown sick and tired of it. I try to explain things, but they would not listen and instead they keep attacking me till I am out of breath. When that happens, I will get defensive and I will shoot them back with my thoughtless remarks. Sometimes, I exaggerate a little and I say mean things that will hit them right through their hearts and then I will be the mean bad person again. I apologised again and then same thing happens repeatedly. It is like the water from the stream flowing endlessly and it will keep on flowing even how u try to stop it. It will only stop when there is no more water, to apply that in human’s life, it will stop when we are dead.

It is taxing and tiring. You made an effort to sort things out on that principle issue and you are bombarded with other irrelevant personal flaws of yours which is what we call character assasination. It goes around in circles and it gives me a headache. The more I try to clear things out the more complicated they get and are blown out of proportions. It is like we are making mountains out of molehills. It’s not supposed to be that way.

I have my faults and guilts, but to push all the blames on me is unfair. There is no room for grey areas; it is only white or black. Do you understand how I feel diary? I have learnt a lot about life. I know I can never please everybody and I know I am not always pleased with everybody. Disagreements and misunderstandings happened so often under our nose. I am not a good person Diary and I am not perfect. I have my flaws and weaknesses. Sometimes when I talk or joke, I say things without intending it to hurt someone’s feeling but it did. I never meant it to happen. If I can do a miracle, I would rewind my life and take back what I have said.

At times I was just being honest and straightforward but it made me looked like I have meddled into someone else’s personal lives by saying truthful things to the other party which can be hurtful because truth always hurts. I went too far and I was too much. It is no surprise that I may end up getting killed with my insensitivity. I have received hate mails and threats. I laughed at them. I am not a bit frightened by them. I know the law is here to protect me. If I am killed, the law will go after them. It works like that isn't it? That’s what I studied in school. It is always about the law and order. We created them and we break them. We make friendships and we destroy friendships. It is as easy as A B C.

In the context of law, when someone has committed a crime, the state can charge him in court. The defendant's lawyer will have to prove that the defendant is innocent on a balance of probabilities. The burden of proof is on the deputy public prosecutor who will have to prove that the defendant is guilty beyond any reasonable doubt. After the litigation process the judge will decide if he is guilty or innocent. Cases are based on facts, evidence and how the lawyers argue.

If a person is found guilty by the court it does not necessarily means that he is guilty. He may be wrongly accused and evidence against him is planted to make it look real that he is the guilty one. Even if the defendant is guilty, the reasons behind his actions will be taken into consideration before the sentence is passed. Those will be his defences. This goes the same to our everyday life. When a man steals bread because he is hungry and have no money to pay for the bread, would you send him to the police and call him a thief? Would you understand the reasons why he stole the bread even though he knew it was wrong to steal? In this scenario, he knew of the consequences for stealing and so his defences would definitely be of his hunger.

When a person who came from a slightly different background called you something jokingly which can be very offensive and could jeopardize racial harmony, will you call him a racist? He purely meant it to be a joke and is ignorant of the consequences. Would you take his ignorance into consideration like you would take the man's hunger into consideration when he stole the bread? How would you have decided?

I have been called a racist. I was sorry and apologised. My apologies were followed by my defences. They were not accepted and so I let it be. Yes, I haven't been a good person but if I were to say that I have been misunderstood, some people will say I use misunderstanding easily as an excuse when something goes wrong due to my own careless and thoughtless words. There are logic and truths in it. I will say no more. All these while I thought I was right but I was wrong. I have been very vocal and straightforward in my conversations. I overlooked my manners at the expense of others. I have never been too proud to admit my mistakes and to seek forgiveness, but overtime, after the apologies things will never be the same anymore. We stopped talking and we do not acknowledge each other anymore. There are frictions and so it is natural that we will be uncomfortable. I am sick of it and I have learned to hate apologizing and forgiving.

People have done me wrong, they hurt me even worst than what I could do to them, and I never discard my friendships with them. I never wished to avenge any of what they have done to me. I welcome them back sincerely. I may have been sarcastic but what can you expect from a person who just healed from a wound or a broken heart due to your own utter less insensitivity? I cannot be a perfect friend to everybody, I have tried but I can't. Do not tell me that I never try hard enough because it's heartache to try so hard and then be condemned. It just occurs to me that I have been wasting my time on things that are not worthy of my attention. If I have tried hard enough and people do not appreciate it, then it is time to leave them alone. I will go back to the basic friendship and relationship principle. Staying away from them is how I protect myself from getting hurt again. They say, birds of a feather flock together and so I will do just that. I do not deserved bad treatments from any Zaiton Sameon's lookalike.

You know that I have decided to stop apologising and forgiving. This is the reason why. It is encouraging when the other parties welcome your actions openly. You feel like a new door is open to you. Have you heard of that phrase diary? They say, when one door shuts another opens and if a thing is worth doing it is worth doing well. When you took the courage to apologise, you were condemned and put down. You feel like your effort is not worth it. You back off and you retreat. You let them talk and think what they want. It is all what I have said before, you grew tired of it and you remain silent.

She said I am revengeful. I just do not know how to defend myself anymore. If she thinks and feels that she has mistreated me in the course of our friendship or relationship and she thinks that I have change my attitude towards her because of that and it makes her feel that it is all about revenge, then I am sorry because she is wrong. It is sickening. These people issues are the hardest to deal with. Now I know why the law and the polica are reluctant to easily interfere in domestic’s problems. It is complicated and so complex that you can get suffocated in it. You are drowned with your very own effort to clear things out and it is ironic.

If i were to say more than this, I could. It's stupid and silly actually. I chuckle in disbelieve at how emotional some people can be. It’s becoming more like politics. The opposition say mean things about the ruling party and the ruling party counter attack and it goes on and on at times debating out of context. It is understandable why they have to do it. They are going to rule the country and it is crucial and important for them to debate. They have every right to do so and most important of all they are licensed to do it. The only thing is how they do it and state their facts.

I am neither a politician neither a critique; I am just an ordinary citizen of the world with views and thoughts that I want to share. If she hates me, then so be it. If she does not agree with me, then that's too bad. I have nothing to lose.

It just reminds me of the time I sat for my 'A' Level General Paper. The essay questions all seemed easy but yet so difficult. Most of the questions concerned social issues existing all over the world and home. We either has to evaluate, criticise and discuss what we feel and think about certain given topic that we have chose. There are no right and wrong answers; it all depends on how you back up your arguments with facts and logic. Informations should be at your fingertips and you must be smart and moderately critical in your views. Every opinion must be accompanied with real facts and knowledge. It is of ultimate importance that you chose the correct question to answer otherwise you will have difficulty to support your claims. One question may have many diverse views from students. Some may agree and some may not, no one is perfectly right or wrong. So if I have called someone 'keling' not in a manner to be offensive and when I am totally ignorant to the core of what it means in a different country from where I live, would you have called me a racist? However your answers are likely to be, remember that there is no right and wrong answer.

She said she would cut my nerves the next time round. I let her think she has when she hasn't. I didn't want to disappoint her when she already makes an effort. She deserves some credit and I voluntarily let her have some. I have done some wrongs to her. It is all about the same issues diary. It is always my big mouth and I. I got to learn how to keep my mouth shut and my opinion to myself. If there were any classes to differentiate between an acceptable joke and an unacceptable joke, I would be the first in line. She thinks I talk too much and sometimes I think I am better off than everybody else. She is disgusted by my nature.

There are reasons for what had happened. I understand and I am not complaining. I did my own mathematics and I realised that I have about a hundred friends in Malaysia. She mentioned four names to me that have hated me so much or think that I am not trustworthy. I did my own statistics and I figured that is not so bad isn't it? 4 out of a hundred, that is like a small fraction of it. I can live with that statistic. It won't affect me that much. I pick and choose when I buy shushi, so that is what I will just do. I pick and choose the friends I have made. Maybe those four will do likewise too. Do you think so diary? They can easily erase me from their lives if they think I am toxic.

Perhaps they have done so. I respect their decision. I know myself and I cannot stop people from making their own assumptions about me. She told me that everybody has the right to make his or her own judgement. I agree with her. She asked me to open up my eyes and look around me. She asked me to think carefully of how many people would have agreed with her. I listened and I wondered. It is sure not the conditioning, I think it is just me. What do you think diary?

The world's greatest leader have had people who hated them so much too but they are still successful and excel in what they do. I am not the world's greatest leader but I will definitely follow their footsteps on how to brush away negatives influence from the outside. I cannot help it if people hate me for how I am or what I did but I can make changes to how I look at people. I can turn those negatives remarks into something positive and be inspired by it to change for my betterment.

She said that someone needs to knock my head to make me realised and wake up. She didn't knock my head but she just knocks the door to my heart. Should I let her know dear diary? I feel very ticklish right now and I cannot stop giggling. She tickled me so hard that I thought I would die laughing. I know I haven't been a good person to some of the people I have known. I know I have to make an apology to some of them, but believe me I rather not. I do not want to mess things up again. Take me as the guilty one; take me as the bad, insensitive, superficial, and untrustworthy or whatever you may want to call me. I will not complain. I will accept with an open heart. I will not expect anything and I will leave them alone. If hatred is how they want to think of me, by all means, be my guest. I only have myself to blame. I have made mistakes and I am sorry.

But I have always admired women when they are tense. They talk to you with full concentration and they look in your eyes with attention that is so great you melt for them. Their mouth moves, lips twitching upwards and downwards, their making signs as if it is not enough to express themselves with words and they had to do it with their hands as well. Those lips of theirs, they are very inviting. Every time they move, you want to touch those lips, you want to taste those lips and you imagined your wildest dreams with her in the bed, you get tickled by her comments, it all doesn't matter to you because you love to see a woman gets angry and the more she is the more sexually aroused you get. You chuckle in your heart. You want to move closer to her, you want to feel your body pressed against hers and you want to sniff at her like a sick puppy craving for love and your lips get close to her and saw her lips, her black ugly lips that has been damaged by countless number of cigarettes. Oh damn! What a turn off!

Oh well, diary I am sorry I got too carried away with my shameful imaginations. You know what diary? After this, I am sure she will think of me as the sick, insensitive superficial and thick-skinned lesbian. She told me she cannot stand me and she also said she is thankful that we did not end up as an item. It hurts when she said that but it's not embarrassing. I can handle it. At least I know am charming enough to get her attentions. Oh dear diary, I am laughing so hard right now I cannot stop. It is so amusing. The way she spoke about me, I can sense and feel her passions. She spoke about me with so much hatred and contempt. I didn't know I have made her liked and then hated me so much. Pitiful huh?

Maybe I am insensitive, vain and superficial. I do not know. But it is interesting to hear opinions about yourself from someone who hated you so much. It is very enlightening and it makes you think how true that can be. She is a nice person. Very strong-headed woman whom I feel always thinks she is right. She is attractive in her own ways. Someone who is very opinionated and always ends up arguing with me over issues that started off as conversations. I am hard headed and vain remember? It is no surprise why we can never get along. But I always have a soft spot for her. She used to be someone I adored. I used to be so nice to her. She told me herself. And then I became mean to her. She called me superficial. Maybe she is right. Superficial huh? It’s cool, and I can add that into my list of things most said about me. I have 24 things that have been said about me currently and she always helps me to add on to it. I guess I have to hit her button hard again to get some more from her. What do you think diary? Do you think she can take some more? Maybe I will let it rest.

I called an old and a very close distant friend of mine last night. I told her what had happened. She talked to me and I listened attentively. She talked with so much patience, truths and understanding. She made it clear to me what have I done wrong. I admited my mistakes. I respected her for that. She did not go out of point and she stuck to the main caused of the problem. I hung up the phone and I called another friend. I apologised to her and I explained my action. She welcomed my apologies with open arms and she was very understanding. It made me feel good Diary. It really did. It was so easy to talk to her, she did not divert from the main issue and just focus on what we were supposed to focus on. And now, that statistic have become 3 : 100, isn't that great?

All these while someone have made my perceptions of apologising and forgiving as something lame and difficult to do but she has just changed that. I have so much respect for people like that. She has taught me the value of forgiving and apologising, life, love and most important of all, friendships. I began to realise that not all people are the same. And I also realised that we cannot let one unworthy people in our live ruined our morale. If we believe we have done enough to make it up and apologise but still gets unconstructive condemnation and criticism because of personal grudges in the past, then it is not us, it is them who has a problem. Whatever people may think of us let it be because we have no control over it. All we can do is to avoid that kind of people to avoid further misunderstandings. Let them talk and say what they want, let them think that we are the loser, it doesn't kill anyway. As long as we know who we are and there are other better and worthy people around us who love, like and respect us, that is enough.

It is natural to have people who hated you, and it is natural to feel like the whole world is coming down on you but when you know where you stand, then all other things do not matter. If there is someone in your life whom you feel unsafe to be with or be talking to, then just stay away from him. Look around you and feel all the love that you see. It is a total waste of time to keep retaliating because things will not get anywhere, it will always be stagnant. I do not want to be stubborn anymore and I am not going to be proud to accept constructive criticism, I have said this again in my thoughts but I will say it again, I really do not care what people may think of me. One man's meat maybe another man's poison and I will not die if she hates me from head to toe, or skin and bone. *Singing Bon Jovi* 'it's my life...it's now or never, like Frankie said I did it my way, I just want to live while I am alive...' oh yes Diary, I have learnt a culture in Malaysia, my friend taught me this one and I think it's the right time to say it, 'kalau hang tak sukak, hang blah lah...!'

Woman Of Honour

As I geared up to move out of Singapore, I have come to know about the many rules and regulations of the Singapore Immigration and I could say how touchy and ignorant some Singaporeans can be. Moving out of here has been my ultimate goal and I have work hard all the time to achieve that golden goal of mine. The time is almost here and I have made some checks to make my dream a reality.

As many Singaporeans are aware of, it is compulsory to contribute to the Central Provident Fund (CPF, it is call EPF in Malaysia) when you are earning more than two hundred dollars a month. Regardless of full time employees or part time, so long as you are getting paid more than two hundred dollars a month, CPF contribution from you and your employer is necessary. Those who did not obey this rule will face serious consequences and risk becoming a jailbird. Mind you, when you are in Singapore, the law is not something you want to mess with. This CPF, according to the government of Singapore is for use when we are at a retirement age, which is at 55 years old determined by the Government. Every Singaporean is entitled to withdraw their CPF account once they reach that age.

I have no reservations about this in fact I think it is a very good idea. There are other means to withdraw your CPF account earlier than the age set and it is when you renounce your Singapore citizenship. However, before you can do that, you have to first hold a citizenship of another country and second, that another country could be a country anywhere else but if it is West Malaysia, then you will lose the privilege of early withdrawal of your CPF account. Many Singaporeans who had have known this fact and share the same plan like I do and think how unfair it seems to us are not able to defeat it. I still think political issues have got something to do with it but I will keep my opinions reserved to myself.

I was upset when I made the check because residing in west of Malaysia was the plan and yes, to withdraw my CPF account was part of the plan too. Like few other disgruntled Singaporeans, I am unhappy knowing the fact that some rigid rules and regulations have successfully spoilt my day and made the smiles on my face disappeared. I ate my lunch with anger and almost choked on a carrot the size of my thumb. I turned to look at the hawker who was responsible for the size of the carrot with hate and contempt for adding another misery to the events of my life for that day.

I would suggest to her to go for cooking classes and learn what is the appropriate size for carrots for the convenience of chewing and swallowing. I am not a snake neither a crocodile whose eating habit does not include chewing or tasting before swallowing. I let the matter rest and spit the carrot out of my mouth. I took out my mobile phone and started to do what I do best. I clearly voice out my frustrations over the CPF withdrawal rules to my friends. I was eager and excited to see how would they have responded to that issue. Some who also wish to migrate elsewhere shared their dissatisfaction with me while others were in a state of curiosity why is the rule different for West Malaysia. I have no answers for them. One hour later, an acquaintance responded to my text. She seemed unhappy with my opinion and asked me,

`Singapore rules?? What about Malaysia's rule then??'

Upon receiving her text, I sensed that there will be a hot debate about this issue between I and her and somebody better be prepared for a tongue bashing, brain teasing and wit talking skills competition because I was really in the mood. What has Malaysia's rule got to do with how the rules and regulations of CPF withdrawal work? My main concern was the withdrawal of CPF account for ex Singaporeans who decided to reside in West Malaysia. I am here to argue on that fact alone and nothing else. I will not say anything about Malaysia's rule. My focus is on CPF rule and regulation of withdrawal. I would not like to go out of track from my main focus.

The second response came and she asked,

'So why tell me?'

My response,

'Because you are another Singaporean and I thought you would be open enough to hear opinion instead of being so sensitive about Singapore your one people, one nation country. I guess you are not like my other Singaporean friends who give their comments to make me think about the issue. I didn't know you are so shallow...'

Her response,

`What Singapore did is deserving. People like you should not receive proper treatment because you shouldn't be rewarded for your disloyalty. hahahaha. Be prepared to be a destitute.'

My response,

'I am not expecting anything from Singapore except for what is rightfully mine. What I have in my CPF account is what I deserved. If you want to stay loyal with Singapore your one people, one nation country, by all means be my guest. I hope you will be happy with your job in the government sector regardless of your skin colour and what is stated as your race in you IC. I wish the new generation of Singaporean knows and understand the meaning behind MAJULAH SINGAPURA instead of just singing it out of obligations to the school and not the country.'

Her response,

'Your obligation to settle outstanding bills are present. How far you go will not lead to a peaceful life. CPF law is clear cut that betrayal people like you will not deserve a single cent. Let me remind you that my inbox now doesn't wish to receive a single sms from you. Go and help to employ all beggars in KL before they eat you up! Bye. '

My response,

'My opinion on you for being over sensitive at the wrong time is confirmed. You should do a lot of brain storming to differentiate on what is an opinion, a criticism and an argument...you are shallow to the core and unnecessarily sensitive, and that's a shame, Singaporean...'

Her response,

LOL. Why should I?? Whatever lah. I had bunch of friends here kept on laughing like hell cos of this stupid joke of a day...Fajar, relax laa, siapa yang sensitive. Awak ke?

My response,

'Yes my friends are enjoying this too. It seems that everybody is having such a great time and it's ironic that the very person who sounded so sensitive just now is suddenly so lively out of a sudden...it's true that people say Singaporeans are funny and maybe great pretenders as well. Long live you for being so melodramatic; you are a classic drama queen. hehehehehe, I am having such a great time here...'

It ended there.

It is annoying when people question me about my loyalty when they fail to question the very reason why I am not. I grew up in Singapore and I know what it is like. As far as I am concern, a sense of loyalty doesn’t apply to Singaporeans. I went to schools here and I know what my friends felt when we sang the national anthem or when we recite the national pledge. I know what most students think of the flag rising and lowering ceremony routine in school. I know if those students attended those ceremonies for the sake of the country or out of obligations to the school, or they were just doing the thing everybody’s doing. I know whether the students knew the significance of Majulah Singapura every time they sang it. I know if they sang it sincerely or otherwise. What is even worse, some did not open their mouth at all and just stood still eager to wait for the monotonous ceremony to end. And mind you, this did not apply to the students alone, even teachers were like that. I watched all these students. I observed them in my own time. I saw right in front of my eyes how much loyalty and patriotism a citizen of a country could have.

When the ceremony ended, those students rushed to the bus stop nearby trying to catch the busses home and for those whose buses had not arrived, waited impatiently. How can you expect a kid growing up in a country as a minority to be patriotic after all that she has seen was nothing but merely acts of disrespect to one’s country?

I never remembered a day in school where I was taught to love my country. All I knew was teachers reprimanding students for skipping the national anthem ceremony. All I heard was the cheers of joy every time a teacher announced publicly that there will not be any flag lowering ceremony because of rain or other reasons fit enough to cancel the ceremony. Majulah Singapura is in Malay and Malay is not widely spoken in Singapore among non-Malays, it is not even the official language. There is no denying that non-Malay students cannot sing the National Anthem properly let alone appreciate its meaning. Students made fun of it because they simply cannot pronounce the words in the anthem. They were laughing and joking about it among themselves, careless to know that they had just shown me how a true Singaporean can be. Those kids would not have done what they did if they had had enough respect for their country regardless what language the national anthem is. How often can you see a student sings the national anthem with pride, honour and dignity? Therefore, for everybody’s sake do not talk to me about betrayal.

When it is national day, I never see people carrying the country’s flag on their car. I never see kids riding bicycles with the country’s flag hanging at the back of the bicycle. I never see people voluntarily decorating their cars with the country’s flag. The spirit of celebrating national day here will only be felt in the stadium where it is the official place to celebrate. There will be cars that chauffeured the Prime Minister and the President into the stadium and sadly to say, those will be the only cars that have Singapore flag on them decorated. The stadium is the only place where I will see Singaporeans shouting and yelling ‘Happy National Day’ at the top of their lungs. The stadium is the only place I will see people singing all the national songs that have been composed for the yearly event. The stadium is the only place I will see thousands of Singapore flags being waved frantically to tell the whole world that it’s Singapore’s birthday.

All those songs sang by Singaporeans to Singaporeans did not make me feel truly Singaporean at all. I do not believe in them anymore. I have stop believing. And I do believe that if there were ever going to be someone who would decorate his car with the Singapore flags, he would be a laughing stock to many Singaporeans and I guess would win the ‘Clown of the Year’ award if there were ever going to be one. It is madness to do such a thing in Singapore. To openly show spirit of nationalism and sense of love for the country is regarded as unusual here. Never have I seen any of such acts. I have been to a neighbouring country on its National day and it was a different experience. I felt the spirit, it was so alive and vibrant and I wonder if Singapore is ever going to be like that one day.

I often question why isn’t there any recruitment for Malay officers in the navy. I repeatedly heard that the Malays are somehow barred from joining the Singapore Navy. I do not know how true it is but I have never seen any Malays in the navy for the time I have been living here. I have heard people telling me all sorts of reasons for that. They make me sick. I began to have reservations about the integrity of the Government. I began to have doubts. Every Malay Singaporean can tell if we have a bright future in the Singapore Armed forces. We know how far we can go and how much we can do. Tell me how many Malays can you find in the Army assigned to Armour unit and how many assigned in the Artillery unit? Give me names of any Malay pilots in the Air force flying a fighter jet. If there isn’t any, do not tell me that the Malays here are under qualified. Do not tell me that out of hundreds of thousands of Malays here not even one or two qualify to meet the requirements in terms of academic and character. Tell me how many high-ranking officers in the army are Malays? I can go on and on but I will stop right here.

I do not want to be a hypocrite because I have never been raised to be one. If I dun feel belonged to my country it is time for me to pack my bag and leave. At least I do not work for the government and then grumble and whine of being mistreated for not given a fair chance to progress further and beyond. It is a faint-hearted, gutless and spiritless act. I have been raised to love my race and to believe in myself. The spirit of nationalism towards my own people has been instilled in me since young. I have been raised to fight the stormy seas and walk on mountains. Many times people have mistaken me for Chinese.

You do not have to look like Malay to be Malay. I have always been patriotic for what I am. I am not going to struggle to be in a better position in a place where I feel I do not belong. I am not going to contradict myself by putting up a false front doing the things I do not desire and be in a place where my heart is not. Leaving is a far better thing to do than continuing living here and then complain. If I am disloyal, then you can say that to many other Singaporeans who have migrated out of here. I am not the only one. Wherever they are, and for whatever reasons they did it, I will always salute them for taking one big leap in their lives for not being a hypocrite.

Moving out of Singapore is what I will do, regardless of where I go; I know I will survive if I stay humble. Do not question my loyalty when I already feel unwanted in the beginning. Do not attack me with my personal flaws because I am only human. With or without my outstanding bills, I still have a life to lead and Singapore is not my choice. Do not say I am a destitute because I know where and how tall I can stand on solid ground. Do not question my integrity when all I wanted is to be successful elsewhere. I believe I can and I will no matter where I am or how long it takes. If I were going to make an economic contribution, I would rather make it in a place I feel it’s worth making.

Do not tell me I do not deserve a single cent from my CPF account when the tax I paid contribute some if not little to your salary you take home to put food on your ugly dining table. Do not tell me I have betrayed my country when the leadership of the government has not earned my respect. If Singapore is not proud to have me as her daughter, then neither do I. And she need not worry anymore because I am leaving for good. Do not blame me for being unfaithful when I can see clearly where we stand now. Why have song like ‘One people, One Nation, One Singapore’ when we are not united at heart? Why have song like ‘Stand Up for Singapore’ when we are not even trusted to be on board of a navy ship as part of the crew to defend the country if we were attack? Why have slogan like ‘Singapore, My Home’ when some of us feel like we are adopted? We may not be oppressed but we are being discriminated.

You know how much truth there is and it tickles me at how you stated your facts and arguments. How are the beggars in KL link to the issue? It’s totally out of point and irrelevant. Even my outstanding bills became your pitiable weapon to attack me and it is pathetic. You argue with poor quality, second-rate, shoddy neither here nor there facts that a reasonable man would not use. You certainly need to drink more water to produce enough oxygen to your brain because oxygen is the food to the brain and you unquestionably lack of it. On the other hand, it suddenly occurs to me that you are a person unsurprisingly with zero charisma, whose ego is as big as Singapore Changi Airport with brain the size of a pistachio peanut. It is no wonder that you short the skill of understanding an issue that is not so complex. This explains why it was hard for me to comprehend the past emails, which you wrote in a manner so horribly unfashionable and horrendously unbelievable with only 0.01% readability ease. My greatest sympathy goes to you.

It is amusing to me that how much some Singaporeans ill talk about their neighbour, still I find them visiting that neighbour for a short holiday or to pump in petrol into their cars or motorcycles. They boast about the properties they have there and are very arrogant when visiting there and we all know that it is all in the currency exchange rate. They are all conclusively unanimously declared cheap, miserable and immodest opportunist. It is contradicting. What they say oppose what they do and that’s very appalling and shameful. Where is the honour to what they are saying? Who is lacking of integrity here? The general rule, if we hate some food, we do not consume it, if we dislike a person, we stay away from her and when we ill talk so much about a country and still visits the country for leisure, doesn’t that show what kind of person we truly are? I rest my case. Now that you have read my thoughts on your one people, one nation, green for life, green for Singapore country that you call your home, what are you going to do about it? Sue me? Last but not least, to all truly, madly deeply Singaporeans, Majulah Singapura!! (That is if you ever know what it means.)