Oath To My Brother

We have never been so close neither have we been distant but I will always remember you as my big brother in times of sorrow and happiness. We grew up having and sharing the same kind of love mum and dad give. We live under the same roof and I have known you for as long as I live. Things between us have never been a smooth sailing. There were occasional sibling rivalries, misunderstanding and arguments. We always fought when we were young. We fought over small petty issues, which now seem rather silly for a reason to fight. The fighting gets lesser and lesser each day as we grow older, nevertheless they make us become close in one way or another.


You have always been the fat one in our family. I never fail to call you names because of your size. You just laughed at it and tried to come up with names for me as well. It is a habit for us to tease each other and laugh at it mischievously. I remember that you always give in to me. In times of my adversity, you are always there to protect or save me. Back then when we were in primary school, I always spent my pocket money on things I wasn't supposed to spend and I ended up with no money to buy food during recess. I would look for you then, and put on my most sympathetic expression. You gave me your pocket money sacrificing your meal of the day in school. You just didn't care about yourself. My comfort always comes first before yours. I remember the time when the dentist in school called me. My tooth was plucked out and I couldn't eat during recess. I came to you and told you about it sadly. You comforted me and bought me an eraser just to make me feel good. It didn't matter whether you had enough to buy food or not, all that matters was to put a smile on my face. It has become my habit to look for you in school whenever I was troubled, most of the times you will always have to give away your pocket money to me. It was an act, which I remember vividly till today.

We got older and you became irritating each day. I began to hate you. You were a pest in the family to me. Whatever that you do seems wrong to me. I even wanted you dead sometimes. I have thought of you as the annoying brother that I wish I never had. We fought so often that it was a surprise if we were on good terms. We stopped talking for a period of time. I couldn't take a look at you because every time I look at you, the anger in me snowballed waiting to erupt like a volcano. I have been angry with you for so many years. I never had the chance to let it out openly. I have always kept it to myself. How hard I tried I cannot let it go. It has been locked inside my heart not wanting to come out. I can sense that you were sorry for what happened but you didn't apologize. I knew you wanted to but you did not have the courage to do it. I knew you regretted the things that have happened and I knew if you can do a miracle, you would turn back the time and undo the things that had happened. We are after all humans, we have our flaws and weaknesses and we are not capable to live without mistakes. I have forgiven you and I have begun to look into the future instead of dwelling about the past. We began to talk and things were back to normal. We picked up from where we left and proceed with lives. I knew I had my big brother back even though it was not like before; knowing that I still have you to keep me save from harm is good enough. There were the occasional arguments but things have been good for us.

My knees felt weak when I heard the news, my hands shivered and my thoughts went back to the days when you were young, healthy and strong. How could someone so sturdy like you become so helpless and weak like a child? There were so many questions in my mind and I knew there was only one answer. It is all in His will. I took a deep breath and calmed myself. I looked at you and my heart is filled with sorrow and regrets. I knew I would lose you eventually and I regret because I haven't been much of a good sister to you. Since what happened before, I have never respected you. I have thought of you as dirt and I have always looked down on you. I have always thought that respect has to be earned. I looked back at all the good things you have done for me and I just realized of all the wrongs you have made, there were some things good that you have done to deserve and earn my respect, which I carelessly have overlooked.

The news hit me hard and it was not easy for me to stomach. It was the hardest news for the whole family. I have often heard in the news of people losing their families because of diseases, war and accidents. I never imagined things like that could happen to me but it is and I am scared. If only I could describe to you how scared I am. I wonder how is it going to be if you are gone. I never wish for it to happen no matter what the doctor says. I know that it is all up to Him. If you are really gone, your spirits will still lives on in me. I will carry it in the background wherever I go and I will never ever let anyone take it away.

It upset me to see you lying helplessly in the bed. You used to do everything on your own. Whenever I need to move my furniture, you were always there to help offering a helping hand without having me to request for it. You were considered as the ‘Superman’ in our family. Tall, big, fat and strong, that is what you are. A perfect brother you are not but you are close to perfect to me.

I remembered the time when I wanted to go mountain climbing. You were in the army and you thought me some absailing techniques. You told me stories of your jungle experiences in Thailand, Brunei and Australia. You taught me how to start a fire without matches. You helped me packed my stuffs and reminded me to take care of myself.

I remember when you wanted to come to my school to confront some boys who bullied me. I stopped you because I didn’t want to have any commotions in school. You were all ready to hit them, not afraid of anything. You always have the mindset that you are invincible. At some point, I have never been afraid of bullies because I knew I have you to watch over me. You were the bravest of hearts and the strongest of souls.

Things have changed now. Before you got critical, you moved slowly. Every time you moved your muscle, I can see that you are hurting but you kept on trying till you can’t. How bad you shiver, you still tried hard not wanting to give up till the last bit of energy left in your body. You have always been a fighter to me. I am so proud of you. I knew that every time you passed urine or passed motion and when I had to clean it up, you felt sorry and bad about it. You apologized for the mess and look at me with your sad eyes. You thanked me after I have cleaned you up. Do you have an inkling of an idea how much I am glad to be able to clean the mess for you? Do you have a clue that I would slave myself to do it for you because you are my brother? It hurts me so much when you apologized and thanked me. That is not what I want. All I ever wanted is for you to get well and start teasing me again. I miss all that very much.

I do not care anymore about the mess and the smell, it is you whom I care about and I would give anything for you to have a good health. I hope it is not too much to ask but I just want my brother back.


You couldn’t talk because it has spread to your speech muscle. I am not hearing you anymore. The house is so quiet. Everybody is gloom. I heard your voice again from my voice mailbox. You left me a message. I was sleeping; it was 4 in the morning. I knew you felt uncomfortable and wanted to change your diaper. I miss hearing your voice and I will keep on playing it till the message expires. You sounded so weak and helpless, desperate for anybody to help you. How I regret so much for not waking up on that night. I wanted to sleep by your side, I wanted to make you comfortable but I can’t. Things have not been easy for me too. I have grown so tired and exhausted from everything. Every time I look at you, it hurts so much. I am always angry nowadays but I do not know why. I’ve been isolating myself. I can’t talk to people anymore because every time I do that, I will snap at them easily. I am an angry girl again. I remember when you told me sadly about your friend who teased you about your disease. I called him and told him what I think of him. I have become so fearless nowadays. Probably this is what it means when people say, it is not the size of the dog that matters but it is the size of the fight in the dog that matters. It’s a mixture of both fearless and angry. I am not afraid of anything anymore. I used to be timid, you know that yourself.

Things have changed with me now just like how things have changed with you. I am focusing on protecting you like how you protected me before. You were my guardian angel and my knight in shining armor. I want to be there for you whenever you need me. I don’t care anymore if I am tired or worn out but I want to be there for you. I want to be the one to clean you, I want to be the one to feed you, I want to be the one to change your diaper and I want to be the first one to watch you walk again or hear you speak again. You know how I have prayed so much hoping for you to get well again. I have tried, everybody has. We did not give up, no matter how long or how difficult it was, we kept on trying and hoping. That’s our only chance. We hoped and we prayed with some efforts to cure you. I did whatever I could with every bone in my body, every drop of my blood, every bit of my energy and every drip of my sweat. With every beat of my heart and every prayer that I have said, I stood by you and tried to be the best sister you have ever had for the time we have left. These are my words of honor.

But time was not on our side. You left so soon giving me little time to make it up to you. I regret for not spending more time with you. I regret for saying mean things to you when you were well. I was so devastated inside beyond words. My heart is broken into millions of pieces on the night you left. I am crying inside like a child. I never thought that it would happen so fast. I heard what the doctors said. Six more months, that’s what they told me. You left earlier than that and I felt that it was unfair. I was so angry with the doctors only to realize that it is beyond what science and human technology can do. We only have so little of what He has. I have to admit defeat to the almighty. Watching you left was painful and the pain still exist waiting for time to become the healer. For the first time in my life, I witnessed the departure of my own flesh and blood. Seconds after you were gone, I was in shock and I comforted myself saying that it was all a dream but it was not. It is happening and it is happening to me. During your last moments, I looked at your eyes and I can see that you are breaking up inside. You said it was all right but I knew you were crying inside. I was so afraid I told myself that you were going to get better soon but you did not.

There isn’t a minute in my life I don’t think of you. I remembered the times when we were young and how you have left our world for a bigger world. Forgive me for being so angry when you left. I still think that some mistakes have been made and I am waiting for the time to make it up to you. Forgive me for being so insensitive when you were sick. Forgive me for not being there as often when you needed me. Forgive me for apologising less to you. I was too proud. Forgive me for shouting and yelling at you when you were alive. Forgive me because I did not held you in my arms when you were sick so that you did have to spend one minute being cold, pain or scared. I am sorry that I didn’t take better care of you. I am sorry that I ever fought with you. I am sorry for all the things I have said to you. I am sorry I didn’t bring you more compliments in whatever that you do. I am sorry that I did not hold on to you with all the strengths I have that even god couldn’t pull you away from me. I am sorry for not telling you how much I loved and love you still. I am sorry if I ever hurt your feelings. I am sorry for living with regrets now. I am sorry for being so lost, I keep crashing into things after you are gone, I am a little crazy now but I know it is only because I am still angry with myself and I am missing you so much.
I am still praying. The prayers help me a lot. I pray for your peace in the other world. I pray for you to feel spacious wherever you are. I pray for you to feel warm when it is cold and I pray for you to feel cold when it is boiling hot.

You came into my dream last night. You wore your red baju kurung with the songkok we bought for Aidilfitri. You looked so handsome, calm and collected. I kissed your hands in that dream and I felt so peaceful. I woke up with the dream and I am trying to keep it alive. I am writing to tell you that I am going into a journey to achieve what I am feeling in that dream. A sense of peace, a sense of belonging and love to a brother I truly and dearly miss because a brother’s love never dies.