Self Reflection

Dear diary, it has been awhile since I did a self-reflection. I have been busy with school and coping with life. A lot of my relatives are getting married and I am still leading the kind of life I have. I am happy with the way I am and contented with what I have. I haven't been writing to you but I have been thinking about you always. You are like the best friend I have always had. You know what I mean? You are my other half without a face. You are intangible and you do not talk back. You listen to me attentively and give no comments.

You may be lifeless but you are alive to me and I can talk to you almost about anything without you putting me down. Some people say it is bad because since you do not talk back, I will not know or realised the mistakes in life I have made to my friends and family. But I still like you the way you are. You give me a lot of space to sit back and reflect. You let me take my time to ponder at how I have been treating life or rather life has been treating me. It is a crazy world out there. So many things have happened and I have become so idealistic that I am afraid of myself. It is like I do not know myself anymore. I have never been like this and I am scared, thus I am writing to you. I know you will listen and you will understand.

I have always had problems trying to have conversations with this particular person. It seems to me that she is always against me. I think she hates me diary. What am I supposed to do? I just wanted to make some friends but I have been careless and insensitive. She said I am a bad person, vain, insensitive and superficial. What do you think? Is it true diary? I did some reflection, there are some truths but I didn't mean it. Have I been misunderstood? She told me not to easily conclude that I have been misunderstood when I am actually ignorant. I do not understand her. If I cannot say I have been easily misunderstood then what am I suppose to say. When we do or say something and when people thought of it as something else that was not our intention, isn't that a misunderstanding? Do we have another more accurate term for it?

I have made a mistake recently, wait, let me rephrase that. I have made many mistakes recently and I have been remorse about it. If I could turn back the time, I definitely would and make amends. But you know I can't and I have to live with the mistakes I have done. The only thing left for me to do is to apologise and swallowed my pride. I wanted to do that but I have a problem diary. I am too proud for that. I have always been the one to apologise first and overtime I have grown sick and tired of it. I try to explain things, but they would not listen and instead they keep attacking me till I am out of breath. When that happens, I will get defensive and I will shoot them back with my thoughtless remarks. Sometimes, I exaggerate a little and I say mean things that will hit them right through their hearts and then I will be the mean bad person again. I apologised again and then same thing happens repeatedly. It is like the water from the stream flowing endlessly and it will keep on flowing even how u try to stop it. It will only stop when there is no more water, to apply that in human’s life, it will stop when we are dead.

It is taxing and tiring. You made an effort to sort things out on that principle issue and you are bombarded with other irrelevant personal flaws of yours which is what we call character assasination. It goes around in circles and it gives me a headache. The more I try to clear things out the more complicated they get and are blown out of proportions. It is like we are making mountains out of molehills. It’s not supposed to be that way.

I have my faults and guilts, but to push all the blames on me is unfair. There is no room for grey areas; it is only white or black. Do you understand how I feel diary? I have learnt a lot about life. I know I can never please everybody and I know I am not always pleased with everybody. Disagreements and misunderstandings happened so often under our nose. I am not a good person Diary and I am not perfect. I have my flaws and weaknesses. Sometimes when I talk or joke, I say things without intending it to hurt someone’s feeling but it did. I never meant it to happen. If I can do a miracle, I would rewind my life and take back what I have said.

At times I was just being honest and straightforward but it made me looked like I have meddled into someone else’s personal lives by saying truthful things to the other party which can be hurtful because truth always hurts. I went too far and I was too much. It is no surprise that I may end up getting killed with my insensitivity. I have received hate mails and threats. I laughed at them. I am not a bit frightened by them. I know the law is here to protect me. If I am killed, the law will go after them. It works like that isn't it? That’s what I studied in school. It is always about the law and order. We created them and we break them. We make friendships and we destroy friendships. It is as easy as A B C.

In the context of law, when someone has committed a crime, the state can charge him in court. The defendant's lawyer will have to prove that the defendant is innocent on a balance of probabilities. The burden of proof is on the deputy public prosecutor who will have to prove that the defendant is guilty beyond any reasonable doubt. After the litigation process the judge will decide if he is guilty or innocent. Cases are based on facts, evidence and how the lawyers argue.

If a person is found guilty by the court it does not necessarily means that he is guilty. He may be wrongly accused and evidence against him is planted to make it look real that he is the guilty one. Even if the defendant is guilty, the reasons behind his actions will be taken into consideration before the sentence is passed. Those will be his defences. This goes the same to our everyday life. When a man steals bread because he is hungry and have no money to pay for the bread, would you send him to the police and call him a thief? Would you understand the reasons why he stole the bread even though he knew it was wrong to steal? In this scenario, he knew of the consequences for stealing and so his defences would definitely be of his hunger.

When a person who came from a slightly different background called you something jokingly which can be very offensive and could jeopardize racial harmony, will you call him a racist? He purely meant it to be a joke and is ignorant of the consequences. Would you take his ignorance into consideration like you would take the man's hunger into consideration when he stole the bread? How would you have decided?

I have been called a racist. I was sorry and apologised. My apologies were followed by my defences. They were not accepted and so I let it be. Yes, I haven't been a good person but if I were to say that I have been misunderstood, some people will say I use misunderstanding easily as an excuse when something goes wrong due to my own careless and thoughtless words. There are logic and truths in it. I will say no more. All these while I thought I was right but I was wrong. I have been very vocal and straightforward in my conversations. I overlooked my manners at the expense of others. I have never been too proud to admit my mistakes and to seek forgiveness, but overtime, after the apologies things will never be the same anymore. We stopped talking and we do not acknowledge each other anymore. There are frictions and so it is natural that we will be uncomfortable. I am sick of it and I have learned to hate apologizing and forgiving.

People have done me wrong, they hurt me even worst than what I could do to them, and I never discard my friendships with them. I never wished to avenge any of what they have done to me. I welcome them back sincerely. I may have been sarcastic but what can you expect from a person who just healed from a wound or a broken heart due to your own utter less insensitivity? I cannot be a perfect friend to everybody, I have tried but I can't. Do not tell me that I never try hard enough because it's heartache to try so hard and then be condemned. It just occurs to me that I have been wasting my time on things that are not worthy of my attention. If I have tried hard enough and people do not appreciate it, then it is time to leave them alone. I will go back to the basic friendship and relationship principle. Staying away from them is how I protect myself from getting hurt again. They say, birds of a feather flock together and so I will do just that. I do not deserved bad treatments from any Zaiton Sameon's lookalike.

You know that I have decided to stop apologising and forgiving. This is the reason why. It is encouraging when the other parties welcome your actions openly. You feel like a new door is open to you. Have you heard of that phrase diary? They say, when one door shuts another opens and if a thing is worth doing it is worth doing well. When you took the courage to apologise, you were condemned and put down. You feel like your effort is not worth it. You back off and you retreat. You let them talk and think what they want. It is all what I have said before, you grew tired of it and you remain silent.

She said I am revengeful. I just do not know how to defend myself anymore. If she thinks and feels that she has mistreated me in the course of our friendship or relationship and she thinks that I have change my attitude towards her because of that and it makes her feel that it is all about revenge, then I am sorry because she is wrong. It is sickening. These people issues are the hardest to deal with. Now I know why the law and the polica are reluctant to easily interfere in domestic’s problems. It is complicated and so complex that you can get suffocated in it. You are drowned with your very own effort to clear things out and it is ironic.

If i were to say more than this, I could. It's stupid and silly actually. I chuckle in disbelieve at how emotional some people can be. It’s becoming more like politics. The opposition say mean things about the ruling party and the ruling party counter attack and it goes on and on at times debating out of context. It is understandable why they have to do it. They are going to rule the country and it is crucial and important for them to debate. They have every right to do so and most important of all they are licensed to do it. The only thing is how they do it and state their facts.

I am neither a politician neither a critique; I am just an ordinary citizen of the world with views and thoughts that I want to share. If she hates me, then so be it. If she does not agree with me, then that's too bad. I have nothing to lose.

It just reminds me of the time I sat for my 'A' Level General Paper. The essay questions all seemed easy but yet so difficult. Most of the questions concerned social issues existing all over the world and home. We either has to evaluate, criticise and discuss what we feel and think about certain given topic that we have chose. There are no right and wrong answers; it all depends on how you back up your arguments with facts and logic. Informations should be at your fingertips and you must be smart and moderately critical in your views. Every opinion must be accompanied with real facts and knowledge. It is of ultimate importance that you chose the correct question to answer otherwise you will have difficulty to support your claims. One question may have many diverse views from students. Some may agree and some may not, no one is perfectly right or wrong. So if I have called someone 'keling' not in a manner to be offensive and when I am totally ignorant to the core of what it means in a different country from where I live, would you have called me a racist? However your answers are likely to be, remember that there is no right and wrong answer.

She said she would cut my nerves the next time round. I let her think she has when she hasn't. I didn't want to disappoint her when she already makes an effort. She deserves some credit and I voluntarily let her have some. I have done some wrongs to her. It is all about the same issues diary. It is always my big mouth and I. I got to learn how to keep my mouth shut and my opinion to myself. If there were any classes to differentiate between an acceptable joke and an unacceptable joke, I would be the first in line. She thinks I talk too much and sometimes I think I am better off than everybody else. She is disgusted by my nature.

There are reasons for what had happened. I understand and I am not complaining. I did my own mathematics and I realised that I have about a hundred friends in Malaysia. She mentioned four names to me that have hated me so much or think that I am not trustworthy. I did my own statistics and I figured that is not so bad isn't it? 4 out of a hundred, that is like a small fraction of it. I can live with that statistic. It won't affect me that much. I pick and choose when I buy shushi, so that is what I will just do. I pick and choose the friends I have made. Maybe those four will do likewise too. Do you think so diary? They can easily erase me from their lives if they think I am toxic.

Perhaps they have done so. I respect their decision. I know myself and I cannot stop people from making their own assumptions about me. She told me that everybody has the right to make his or her own judgement. I agree with her. She asked me to open up my eyes and look around me. She asked me to think carefully of how many people would have agreed with her. I listened and I wondered. It is sure not the conditioning, I think it is just me. What do you think diary?

The world's greatest leader have had people who hated them so much too but they are still successful and excel in what they do. I am not the world's greatest leader but I will definitely follow their footsteps on how to brush away negatives influence from the outside. I cannot help it if people hate me for how I am or what I did but I can make changes to how I look at people. I can turn those negatives remarks into something positive and be inspired by it to change for my betterment.

She said that someone needs to knock my head to make me realised and wake up. She didn't knock my head but she just knocks the door to my heart. Should I let her know dear diary? I feel very ticklish right now and I cannot stop giggling. She tickled me so hard that I thought I would die laughing. I know I haven't been a good person to some of the people I have known. I know I have to make an apology to some of them, but believe me I rather not. I do not want to mess things up again. Take me as the guilty one; take me as the bad, insensitive, superficial, and untrustworthy or whatever you may want to call me. I will not complain. I will accept with an open heart. I will not expect anything and I will leave them alone. If hatred is how they want to think of me, by all means, be my guest. I only have myself to blame. I have made mistakes and I am sorry.

But I have always admired women when they are tense. They talk to you with full concentration and they look in your eyes with attention that is so great you melt for them. Their mouth moves, lips twitching upwards and downwards, their making signs as if it is not enough to express themselves with words and they had to do it with their hands as well. Those lips of theirs, they are very inviting. Every time they move, you want to touch those lips, you want to taste those lips and you imagined your wildest dreams with her in the bed, you get tickled by her comments, it all doesn't matter to you because you love to see a woman gets angry and the more she is the more sexually aroused you get. You chuckle in your heart. You want to move closer to her, you want to feel your body pressed against hers and you want to sniff at her like a sick puppy craving for love and your lips get close to her and saw her lips, her black ugly lips that has been damaged by countless number of cigarettes. Oh damn! What a turn off!

Oh well, diary I am sorry I got too carried away with my shameful imaginations. You know what diary? After this, I am sure she will think of me as the sick, insensitive superficial and thick-skinned lesbian. She told me she cannot stand me and she also said she is thankful that we did not end up as an item. It hurts when she said that but it's not embarrassing. I can handle it. At least I know am charming enough to get her attentions. Oh dear diary, I am laughing so hard right now I cannot stop. It is so amusing. The way she spoke about me, I can sense and feel her passions. She spoke about me with so much hatred and contempt. I didn't know I have made her liked and then hated me so much. Pitiful huh?

Maybe I am insensitive, vain and superficial. I do not know. But it is interesting to hear opinions about yourself from someone who hated you so much. It is very enlightening and it makes you think how true that can be. She is a nice person. Very strong-headed woman whom I feel always thinks she is right. She is attractive in her own ways. Someone who is very opinionated and always ends up arguing with me over issues that started off as conversations. I am hard headed and vain remember? It is no surprise why we can never get along. But I always have a soft spot for her. She used to be someone I adored. I used to be so nice to her. She told me herself. And then I became mean to her. She called me superficial. Maybe she is right. Superficial huh? It’s cool, and I can add that into my list of things most said about me. I have 24 things that have been said about me currently and she always helps me to add on to it. I guess I have to hit her button hard again to get some more from her. What do you think diary? Do you think she can take some more? Maybe I will let it rest.

I called an old and a very close distant friend of mine last night. I told her what had happened. She talked to me and I listened attentively. She talked with so much patience, truths and understanding. She made it clear to me what have I done wrong. I admited my mistakes. I respected her for that. She did not go out of point and she stuck to the main caused of the problem. I hung up the phone and I called another friend. I apologised to her and I explained my action. She welcomed my apologies with open arms and she was very understanding. It made me feel good Diary. It really did. It was so easy to talk to her, she did not divert from the main issue and just focus on what we were supposed to focus on. And now, that statistic have become 3 : 100, isn't that great?

All these while someone have made my perceptions of apologising and forgiving as something lame and difficult to do but she has just changed that. I have so much respect for people like that. She has taught me the value of forgiving and apologising, life, love and most important of all, friendships. I began to realise that not all people are the same. And I also realised that we cannot let one unworthy people in our live ruined our morale. If we believe we have done enough to make it up and apologise but still gets unconstructive condemnation and criticism because of personal grudges in the past, then it is not us, it is them who has a problem. Whatever people may think of us let it be because we have no control over it. All we can do is to avoid that kind of people to avoid further misunderstandings. Let them talk and say what they want, let them think that we are the loser, it doesn't kill anyway. As long as we know who we are and there are other better and worthy people around us who love, like and respect us, that is enough.

It is natural to have people who hated you, and it is natural to feel like the whole world is coming down on you but when you know where you stand, then all other things do not matter. If there is someone in your life whom you feel unsafe to be with or be talking to, then just stay away from him. Look around you and feel all the love that you see. It is a total waste of time to keep retaliating because things will not get anywhere, it will always be stagnant. I do not want to be stubborn anymore and I am not going to be proud to accept constructive criticism, I have said this again in my thoughts but I will say it again, I really do not care what people may think of me. One man's meat maybe another man's poison and I will not die if she hates me from head to toe, or skin and bone. *Singing Bon Jovi* 'it's my life...it's now or never, like Frankie said I did it my way, I just want to live while I am alive...' oh yes Diary, I have learnt a culture in Malaysia, my friend taught me this one and I think it's the right time to say it, 'kalau hang tak sukak, hang blah lah...!'