Misunderstood

There are times when I want to go to a place where nobody knows my name. I can be anonymous and do the things I want without having people to notice me. I do not have to worry about the gossips that might be speculating or bother about people badmouthing me. Most of all I do not have to try hard not to be misunderstood by the people around me.

Experiences tell me that the hardest thing to deal with is being misunderstood. It is because people might have gotten the wrong side of you without you intending it to happen and if that happens for the first time that you have known someone, it could last forever. It has been said that first impression last for a lifetime so that explains all and no matter what you do to make it up it is unlikely that people will forget. After almost 7 years of chatting in Internet Relay Chat (IRC) I have made a lot of friends. I cannot call all of them my good friends neither can I call them my enemies but I know I have left a certain kind of impressions on those people. Each one of them must have had a different point of view about me, and this I can guarantee. I have never intentionally wanted to make any enemies which I believe is shared by many other chatters but I have to admit that it could happen in the process of making friends or being friends.

Words spoken spontaneously could have offended another and a harmless joke could mark the end of a friendship between two old friends. It happened before and it will happen again if we are not careful with our manners. Our actions out of care and concern might be mistaken as a move to hit on somebody else’s girlfriend. We knew what we were doing, we knew what was being said but still it is hard for us to convince people that we have been misunderstood. It doesn't take a lot to be misunderstood. All it takes is just one simple action from us and a few words spoken. People will talk and the gossipmongers will play their part and make mountains out of molehill and blow things out of proportions. They will feel proud that they know the story and they are not shy to even ask for more. This is simply the reality and sadly we have to live with it.

I have come across people from all walks of life with diverse personalities. Some are pleasant and some are unpleasant. I have met the ones I feel comfortable with and to those I feel otherwise I remain a virtual friend to them. It is such a small world when we are the minority. This belief is further strengthened when friends of mine knew other friends of mine and it goes on and on. I believe the reason for this is because we all knew each other from the same source and this resulted in the high probability that everybody knows everybody without realising. We are link to each other like the spider web.

We may have known someone unofficially and heard awful stories about her. From there we have created our own biased and unfound opinions towards her without even knowing her. And if we have the habits of talking too much we will be the source to those gossips that will spread like wildfire. What is even worst, if we have the talent to make up stories and if we enjoy it as a pastime, we would and that will result in people getting misunderstood.

A few simple spoken words or maybe one or two actions of us which, accidentally are not pleasing to other parties whom happen to have grudges against us for reasons only God knows can lead to a misunderstanding. We asked ourselves what did we do wrong? We told ourselves that we only wanted to make friends. We assured ourselves that we did not at all mean anything bad to happen and yet we were thought of to be the caused of a broken relationship, which has a history of going on, and off as and when it deems necessary by the relevant parties. We heard stories about us and we say when did I ever do that?

It’s a shame to be thought of as the reason for a sweet relationship turned sour but it's funny to be the reason for an already sour infact stale relationship turned fungus. It is pathetic for the accusing party to conveniently point fingers at others without looking in the mirror to analyse oneself. People whom we thought of to be an angel turned devilish overnight. People whom we thought are trustworthy turned out to be a great liar. People whom we thought of to be sincere are actually the great pretenders. Sadly people whom we thought are good in reality are in fact your worst nightmares. We have this great fear to be close to them anymore.

We look at their faces and the imaginative sides of us see them with dark eyes, with razor sharp yellow teeth with feelers sticking out of their heads and they wear this costumes that resembles the costume of Bat Man complete with hood. And we let out a small shriek and pinch ourselves. It saddens us even more that the truth have been manipulated to make oneself looks innocent and convincing words are said to influence opinions and gain unpopular and sympathy votes. Everybody told me that in order for you to be a lawyer you have to be a liar but I believe that you can be a liar without being anybody. We can lie as and when necessary at the expense of others to win the situation and ultimately have the upper hand. When confronted, we can twist and turn our words and slip out of the maze unnoticed because that is what we are, slimy snakes. We are capable to become one.

We look at people and give so called professional comments on the way they dress, they way they blow their cigarette smoke and the way they are, failing to look at ourselves in the mirror. We make stories of how someone tried to come on to us; we created sick stories of people falling in love with us. We give reasons for our mistakes that are too good to be true. We get so frighten because we think someone is trying to steal our girlfriend and then we make threats trying to make ourselves sounds scary but ironically we have become the laughing stock to some people.

It is ironic that how we have grown up so much over the years still, we can be childish and immature at times over small petty issues which is not even worth to make a movie with cheap budget.

To err is human but to make up stories and gossips about things that did not happen at all is utterly despicable. It is unbelievable that people would do such a thing to bring to life their cunning intentions. It’s disgusting beyond descriptions and explanations. Those kinds of people deserve no handshake but instead in my most professional opinion deserve a spit in their faces.

A friend said, to have misunderstandings with others are parts and parcels of life. But when we are misunderstood too often it can be frustrating especially over issues that seem not worthy of big time attention. Many have misunderstood me. The personality that I portray online might contradict my true personality offline. Maybe I just do not know how to send the correct message and avoid being misunderstood or perhaps I am so unlucky to make friends with people whom girlfriends are so insecure and edgy. I spend my time scratching my head when I am alone thinking. I want to explain things, I want to defend myself and I want to say how sorry I am but I have grown bored of these kinds of situations.

It’s really boring, childish and pointless to be having anything against someone over a girl. It’s not worth it. I have always believed that if she is meant for you, she will be yours for eternity regardless what are the circumstances and obstacles. And if she is honest and sincere with you, she will not be giving you doubt and make you feel like you are being cheated. I have been cheated and have been played out before but I couldn't be bothered at all to threaten or to warn the other party to stay away because I find it too dramatic and impractical. If she loves you she will stay with you if she doesn't, let her go. That’s my number one love rule and I have stuck with it for years and it do me wonders most of the times. I get less heartaches and I bear no grudges. Things happened for reasons and it is all in our hands how to come to terms with the reasons. All these unnecessary misunderstandings could be avoided if we are open enough to accept changes and most important of all the truth. If we just spare a few moments for logic thinking, learn to listen to explanations, let them defend themselves and then make an effort to understand I am sure that things will not turn out badly. Nobody said that it is easy but at least we have to try.

Nobody can deny that we are always remembered for the mistakes than the good deeds we have made. It is so easy for people to wrongly accuse us when we are sincere from the bottom of our heart. We made sacrifices and wish for a better tomorrow. We do not want any trouble and try to behave ourselves. We talk things to people with good intention and few days later we will find fingers pointing at us. We get demoralized and we give up. In our silence we search for an answer. In our isolation we hope for good things to come. We wish for ourselves to be oblivious so that all these troubles will not affect us. We tried to be cool and tried to remain calm. We brush away all the negative ideas. After all that has happened we still hope that good things will come out of it. We hope and we keep on hoping because hope springs eternal in the human hearts.

It is very disappointing to know that all our efforts to be a good person have been misunderstood. Those little fights, those small arguments and those silly offensive remarks we made towards someone were all due to some misunderstanding we had. An almost perfect relationship ended because of some small misunderstanding and it is a very sad situation. It is a waste to lose something over petty reasons and we cannot do anything about it. We feel so helpless and useless. We wanted so much to explain things but we are afraid to be misunderstood again. We just leave everything where they are even if it will make us look like the guilty one because we are afraid that one more move to make amends will make things worse. We remained quiet because we just don’t want to fight anymore. It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. We have had enough and we have decided that it is time for letting go. Never mind if that means we will be thought of as the guilty, the ugly or the bad one. All of it doesn't matter anymore. We just want to erase the unpleasant memories and get on with life even if it means without the one we love most. We came to this world in peace and we want to leave in peace. That’s all that matters.

An old but not a close friend of mine called me immature, unwise and childish when I passed a rather direct cruel remarks that was supposed to be a harmless joke. I never took offence. Something happened before that could spark a small flame into inferno. Things have settled down but the heat is still on and when I passed that remark, it was like adding fuel to a dying flame, and that dying flame rekindled. I am playful and naughty with my buddies therefore, perhaps I could be careless and unintentionally offended her.

I let the matter rest in peace for now. I never bothered to apologise because I am tired of apologising and I am tired of forgiving. I think I have come to a stage where it really doesn't matter anymore what people would think of me. It makes no difference because I have learnt that you just can't please everybody and the more you try the more you will be misunderstood. I just have to say no more. I will not let myself be affected by those imbecile moronic nincompoops because I know where I stand. I just want to live my life as long as I am breathing with the few good friends I have left and with the love of my family. For those who have anything against me, live and let live. Say whatever you want because that won't change a bit of how I feel about you. Come to think of it, we might even have misunderstood each other. For all the threats and hatreds I have created among people towards me, I will say fuck it, life is short live hard.

Remembering

There was a time when I sat by myself and wondering what would I be missing most when I die. I wonder how is it going to be when I am not living anymore. I looked at my surroundings and ponder at the idea of them changing without me to witness. I look at my room and wonder who would be taking over all my belongings. Who would be using my mini disc, my palmtop and all my other favourite electronic gadgets? What would happen to my computer, which contains so much of my personal secrets? Who would update my homepage and would anyone be missing me when I am gone? I can only wonder.

I have never cried in front of people except for a few whom I would consider to be close to me. I simply hate people to see me cry not even my family members. I am not very comfortable expressing my affections and emotions openly. I am not good at it. One by one by grandparent passed away and I stood there just staring at the corpse without feeling any sadness. I didn’t have to fight back those tears they just didn’t come out. No tears were shed probably because I wasn’t close to my grandparents and how could I get fond of them when I am not close to them? I grew up in a family with more men than women and I guess this contributes a lot to my characteristics. I have grown to be a Pig headed and an individualistic youth. Thankfully, I am not pompous or self-centred.

I have loved and been loved before and I treasure every single person that has come into my life. They are all special people that have touched my hearts in any way they can. Each one of them is equipped with their own characteristics that make them different from the rest. They are funny, bold, gentle, strong and timid. With the different attitudes and personalities, they add spices to my life. Knowing them has made me become appreciative of friendships. Every friend I have made along the way will always be remembered. I do not pray everyday but during the times I pray, I never left them out. I make it a habit to pray for all the friends I have had and the people I love. I pray for their safety, I pray for their happiness and I pray for them to have good health.

I scroll down the list of phone numbers in my mobile and I read the names one after another. I remember all the things I do and all the things I say to them. I reminisce at the good times my friends and I share. I laughed a bit and I giggled at some silly but memorable escapades with them. I remember how a friend accompanied me from evening to morning the next day outside because I was too afraid to come home. I remember how another friend helped sent me to the hospital when I broke my wrist. I remember how a friend treated me so good whenever I put up at her house. I remember how a friend made me feel so nervous because she is the prettiest friend I have ever had. I remember the time we spent together and I can still feel the sensations when she ran her fingers through my hair. I remember a friend who made me come all the way to Kuala Lumpur because I just wanted to make sure she is fine and she sent me a post card while having her holiday in Bali. I remember a friend who came to Singapore to apologise for some wrongs she thinks she commits. That overwhelmed me. I remember everything, good or bad I remember them all. I remember a friend who never stops making me laughs by her silliest and spontaneous attitude. I remember a friend who never fails to accompany me to skate every Sunday morning loyally and another friend who always make me feel special and wanted. I remember a friend who accommodated me when I ran away from home. I love all of them. I appreciate and I treasure them. Some of these friends have long gone from my life; they just vanish and disappear. They are probably busy with their own life and got no time to be sentimental like I do. Maybe they think it is a waste of time to be thinking like how I do. Some people don’t want to get all mushy do they? A friend laughs at my thoughts and asked me what’s the moral of the story at the end of my writings? I laughed at her question and smiled at her ignorance and lack of sentimental values. She is a close buddy and we tease and make fun of each other all the time until the playful teasing doesn’t hurt anymore. Nevertheless, I still think of my friends near or far, wherever they are occasionally. I hope and wish that they were fine.

Friends come and go in our lives just like the waitress in cafes and restaurants. They move on in search of better careers and opportunities. I come and go in people’s lives too but I will always remember my time spent with them and the time they spent with me. I will not forget the things that we have done and the bonds we have created together as friends. Not many people would leave an impression of a lifetime in our lives but we remember the people who have in a place reserved in our hearts. I believe that.

I have told a friend that we cannot forget what and whom we have known. We simply can’t because how can we forget things and events that have left such an impact in our lives? If it was a bad experience and we have forgiven it, that doesn’t mean we will forget. Even how hard we try we just can’t. Those significant events in our lives are remembered till the day we die. They become our histories and they add on to our life stories. They become our experiences waiting to be recollected. We would probably tell these stories to our children and our children’s children.

We forgive and we forget but I do not think that is applicable to most people. Forgiving doesn’t mean we will forget and remembering doesn’t mean we never forgive. There is nothing wrong to remember after we have forgiven because it is only natural to do that but let us not forget what is the point of forgiving if we are still remembering with contempt?

We must remember it in a positive way so that we do not allow ourselves to repeat the mistakes people have done to us. My point is clear; it is essential to remember without any hatred, bigotry and grudges. We meet new people and we go places and eventually the new people we meet will remind us of someone we used to know. The places we go will remind us of some things which we have done together with someone else. We basically cannot escape from remembering. It’s in our blood and it’s the norm and if we have to remember it, please remembers it sincerely.

I know by now I would be missing those little events with my friends. I would be missing the phone calls; I would be missing the chat conversations I have had with them. I would be missing those outings we had. I would be missing reading their emails, letters or cards of joy and sadness. I would be missing taking a ride in their cars and honking at the beautiful babes on the streets. I would be missing their short messages on my mobile (sms). I would be missing everything about them. To watch my friends grow old is the thing I would be missing most. I would never have the chance to see them laugh with joy and I will not have the opportunity to give them hugs of confidence anymore. I will not be there to remind them to drive safely and to take care of themselves. Most importantly I am not able to be there with them when they need comfort.

Have you ever thought of that? You get worried not because of what you may be facing in the after life but what worried you most is how the people whom survived you cope with your death. You worry if you have done enough to make them happy. You start thinking if what you have left sufficed for them to get over it. You did your calculations at how much it will benefit your family from all the insurance plans you have taken and decide if it is adequate for them. I wonder if I am crazy to be thinking to that extent at times but I can’t help it. Can anyone of you tell me if I am weird? Is what I am thinking normal or abnormal?

I write because I wanted to. I wanted to share my thoughts with people I have known. I wanted to leave something for them. My greatest fear is to have somebody whom I adore and love passed away without giving me the opportunity to be close and care about her. It doesn’t matter whom; acquaintances or good friends; one who speaks good or bad English or one who doesn’t speak English at all, it just doesn’t matter. I want to reach out to every friend I have made while I can without expecting anything in return. It is enough to know that this humble thought of mine has reached their mailbox safely. At least I know they are well enough to be checking their emails and nothing bad has happened to them and that makes me happy and less worried. I wanted my thoughts to uplift me even when I die. To the people I love, at least they know what I desired and wished for. I hope to give them strengths, motivations, moral support and some piece of my mind to go on with life even when they hit rock bottom. I want to give them something that enables them to be strong for themselves. I want them to hear my voice through my writings. I still want to be there with them even though I am gone. If I can’t be there physically, let me be there in writings at least. They can feel and say all they want. I exist in my writings because I write passionately every time I write. That is all I ever wanted. The moral of my thoughts are at the discretion of the readers. I set no limitations to one’s point of views and opinions; I seek for none but I welcome any constructive criticism.

There is a box stored in my wardrobe, which I occasionally open and look at the contents whenever I am feeling down and missing my friends. In it are all the cards, photos and presents I have received from friends over the years. I arranged them nicely vertically in the box. I touched those cards gently. I read them one after another, word by word trying to the best of my ability appreciating the meaning behind those words. I analysed the hand made cards given to me. I looked at the workmanship and I began to feel blessed. I understand now that everything we do is all about the efforts we have invested in. Investing does not denote money. All it takes is just pure sincerity.

I looked at the photos my friends gave me and which I took with them. The smiles and expressions we had on our faces. The many stories a picture can tell. I remember all of it. It made me feel good and honoured. It made me feel touched and contented. For all the wrongs I have made I know there must be some good I have done to deserve such gifts of good friends and I will be remembering them till my time is up for they have left footprints in my heart.

One Religion, One Spirit, One Cry

The UK constitution states that in the event of war between UK and another country, the British has every right to do whatever they like to a citizen of that country whom UK has a war with and this citizen is called enemy alien in law terms. But it is applicable only if the citizen of that country is to be found in the British land. No British citizen will be held liable in the event of death of that enemy alien on British soil because that enemy alien has no rights in the UK. Although this rule has been passed in the Queen in Parliament, it is still subjected to the Human Rights Act. However, don’t you think it is too late to be bringing this case to the highest court of the land with the issue of Human Rights after the victim is dead or severely suffer grievious bodily harm?

We are all aware that the UK and US are at war with Iraq. With the UK constitution making it legal for any British citizen to do anything to the country’s enemy in British soil, this means that if an Iraqi citizen is to be found on British land, he will be exposed to the danger of getting killed and harm. He is also subjected to imprisonment without trial for the duration of the war.

When asked by the lecturer why will the Iraqi be subjected to such treatment on British land? One of the students spontaneously answered because he is a Muslim. It was just a short and simple answer. I think hard when he gave his answer. I didn’t know what was supposed to be my appropriate reactions to his blunt response. I kept quiet and I put on my thinking cap and continued thinking. What did he really mean by that? I am a Muslim and does that make me become a potential victim to unfair treatments and abuse if I put my feet on British soil? What about the existing Muslims in the UK? Are they subjected to discrimination and ill treatment as well just because they are Muslims? So does that mean Thariq Aziz will not be subjected to those treatments mentioned above if he puts his feet on UK because he may be an Iraqi but he is not a Muslim? It’s illogical but yet logical to a certain extent. I tried to analyse his answer from a diverse and wide angles. I looked at his answer not only as black and white but as many different forms of colours as I possibly can.

Every action of us represents what we are. My actions represent my family regardless if it is bad or good. Somehow it will reflect on how I am being brought up and what kind of family conditioning I learnt and got at home. It doesn’t matter if I am doing it out of my own accord not wanting to have anything to do with my family, race or religion, but still the stereotype impression people will get links to my race, religion and family. It’s the norm of the society.

Just like Iraq, it is a country where the official religion is Islam and most of its citizens are Muslims. With the reasons of war with Iraq being to abolish and find the weapons of mass destructions, still I believe that there are some if not many personal agendas involved. George W. Bush has always believed that Saddam Hussein is the mastermind of the September 11 attack on US. He believes that the Al-Qaeda network headed by Osama BinLaden is being sponsored by Iraq and they are linked with each other. With US being regarded as one of the world superpower in trade, industry, defence and entertainment, it is of course shameful and embarrassing that something like September 11 could happen there. US is after all not invincible, nothing and nobody is invincible. Where are all the weapons of mass destructions in Iraq that they claimed to be the reasons why they went to war with Iraq? Is George W. Bush just doing things because daddy says so? Did he just want to finish off his father’s unfinished job? Did he go to war with Iraq just because he wanted retribution and to recover back US pride and honour?

Many are outraged, and rightly so, by this senseless act against the US but, perhaps, we should also ask how they could be outraged at this. It's unfortunate that while everyone shares the pain of the US, most have no idea of the pain and suffering of many others around the world - sufferings, which is the result of US policies. While we share the pain and anguish of the Americans, let us not forget the anguish that others have suffered and that went unnoticed because the free world's media did not deem it worthy of coverage. Let us feel the pain and anguish of innocent people who have felt the wrath of the US and its NATO allies when their countries were put under US-backed sanctions. Let us feel pain and anguish of the nearly 17,500 civilians killed in Israel's 1982 invasion of Lebanon, which the US supported. Let us also not forget that the very same Taliban, whom the free world once cheered as "fighters against the Evil Empire", were once quite heavily sponsored by the US. Did anyone pause and ask: Who helped create these "freedom fighters"? Let us not forget that Saddam Hussein, that very person who threatened the free world's oil supply, was once America's biggest client, who helped defend the free world against the extremist policies of the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini. Let us not forget the many innocent civilians who were killed in the undeclared war popularly known as the Vietnam War.

There have been cases of Islamic terrorist activities on the rise lately and it is happening right under our nose. With the September 11 case and the bombings of Bali (to mention a few), it is no surprise that many shallow minded people think of Islam as a religion that encourages its followers to resort to violence and bloodshed. Nobody can deny that Islam is the one religion in the world that has created so much public outcry and controversies nationally and internationally. Take those examples in Singapore, with the tudung issues one after another and Jemaah Islamiah (JI). JI plans to bomb the Yishun MRT Station and the Sembawang US naval camp. It is scary, sad and good.

I said scary because Yishun is where I live and I take the train everyday to go to school. The thought that some Muslims extremist in the name of religion tried to bomb that station feared me. The idea that this extremist activities exist in a country as small as Singapore and their plans to use violence for the purpose of their agendas really got me thinking that we cannot take things for granted. When I saw the news about that episode, I was glued to the television screen and the imaginative side of me got working actively. I imagined that I could be one of the victims died of bomb blast and my body would be blown to pieces with the head at the north, body at the south, legs at the east and hands at the west part of the train station.

My family would be saddened, all my friends would be shocked and all my girlfriends would miss my charming personality. Would they? Never mind that. The violence and terrorist threats that I have heard of that happened elsewhere is happening in Singapore and that makes me scared and I wonder what would happen to the world. Is violence the only way to vent out your anger and frustrations?

I am saddened by the news because it hurts me to know that my fellow Muslims brothers are willing to resort to the blasting of bombs and killings of innocent lives to meet their desire. And they do this all in the name of religion. They use Islam as a mask for their own thoughtless and careless acts. All those plans of killings and bombings are in their unlawful organisation agendas and that do not denote Islam but they made it in such a way that the world would think it is the teachings of Islam. They give Islam a bad name and portray Islam as the world’s worst religion to follow and embrace. Having captured the JI members in Singapore, the government managed to short-lived their bombs plans and attacks. These criminals are detained under Internal Security Act (ISA) and they were being guarded tightly.

What troubled me most is how they became what they are right now. All of them are born Muslims and they have been members of JI for more than ten years. This goes to show that these unlawful Muslims militant organisations have existed in Singapore for as long as you know and if not for the September 11 attacks on US, these Muslims radicals would have been freed and roaming the country planning for their next bomb target. It is depressing and it upset me to know that the founder of such unlawful Muslims organisations would use Islam to make their despicable dreams come true and make these people who look up to them as scapegoats. As far as my understanding and knowledge about how all these Muslims radicals’ organisations work is concerned, they use Islam as the strong source of recruitment reason. Everything and anything they do is all in the name of Islam. And these people with the most sincere intentions to become a good practicing Muslims fall into their trap and allowed themselves be influenced by all these extremist ideas.

As much as I am scared and saddened by all these issues that has been going on around me, there's a part of me that say it is a good thing that they happened. Pardon me, I do not condone any violent acts neither I am happy to hear such news but at times we need to take the bull by the horn. I can comprehend the reasons behind all these Muslims terrorist attacks and I understand why it happened. With the Palestine issues and the sanctions on Iraq for so long, we all knew that America had it coming. America tastes her own medicines and it is a very bitter one to swallow. Why does it take so long for the US to solve the Palestinian-Israel issue but it takes them so fast to attack Iraq even without the approval of the United Nations (UN)? Nobody can deny that the Jews are the one that keep the America's economy as strong as it is. Most Jews are in the congress and they make up the ruling party in America. Everybody knows this. Why does it take the world superpower to react so long to curb aggressions against the Muslims? It is very obvious. There have been talks and peace meetings between the Palestine and Israel’s leaders but none of them has been successful. The Palestinians have been killed and so are the Israelis over a long period of time. The Palestinians freedom to fight has been taken away from them without any weapons.

I never fail to watch the news showing the Palestinians youths throwing rocks and stones to the Israeli’s army and police and I have never failed to read or hear that there are people being killed everyday in Palestine. What does it take for the world to see that this is actually the rationale behind these entire violent and the surface of Muslims extremist? They knew about this but they can’t do anything about it because of what the Jews have contributed to America’s economy. To solve an issue this complicated and serious, it takes a lot of thinking and hard work. Peace process is not easy, it must be mutually agreed between the parties involved and not only that, sacrifices have to be made. US and UK claimed that attacking Iraq will put a stop to terrorist attacks but all I see and hear right now are more news about explosions of bombs and the killing of innocent lives again. It is like there is no more value in human's life anymore. More and more suicide bombers emerge. It was all over the papers that if Osama were killed, there would be many more Osama and suicide bombers that will surface. We give birth to newborn babies only to find them die later in bomb blasts. It is a pity and a shame, it really is.

Who can we blame for all the violence today? Is there anybody specifically that we can point the finger at? It's only fair that the terrorist be brought to justice. But more that just revenge, the US should sit back and ponder what caused this to happen. And lastly, please remember that while those behind these evil acts should be brought to justice, their religion and race should not be put on trial. With very little chance of peace in Palestine, the existence of the Islamic terrorist organisations is going to continue and even how much effort the government contribute to put a stop to it, it will still exist for as long as it is required. And with this, I have no answer and I cannot predict as to when peace will be accomplished in Palestine and to see no more violence on earth.

Yes, I feel angry on what is happening in the Palestine and Iraq. I am not a Palestinian neither I am an Iraqi but I still feel the pinch because I am a Muslim. No matter where I was born and no matter where I live, a Muslim I will be. This is probably one of the reasons why did that student gave that answer. I understand now that whether we are Singaporean, Malaysian, Iraqi or Palestinian, we are all Muslims, what happen to the Muslims in Iraq and Palestine’s are our problems too and we have the responsibility to contribute whatever and however we can to make their life a better one. I believe no matter how much or how less we pray each day, and how much or how less devouted we are to Islam, we have this spirit in each one of us that uphold the Islam in us. And I know and I am sure there is still that ray of light, that 'Nur' in our minds and hearts and all it takes is just one very loud united cry of ''Allah Huakhbar!''

Dear Diary

It was on a weekend when I first met her. We talked on the phone the previous night and it was a long conversation. It was just normal casual girl talk and we ended up meeting each other the next morning. I usually spend my weekends at home studying or laze around watching television. It’s hard for me to give in to people’s request just to meet over coffee at the expense of sacrificing my study habit. I seldom go out unless I have to run errands for my family or myself. But on that weekend, I went out with her. Up till now I still wonder what made me do that.

I was early and I waited for her at the place we planned to meet. There she was sitting in front of me. I had my oversized shades on trying to avoid any eye contact. She stared at me and I felt uneasy. She was pretty and she made me nervous. I took off my shades and smiled at her. I looked her in the eye. She has those pair of eyes that can portray all the moods in her. She was smiling at me; even her eyes were smiling at me. I still remember the clothes she wore. I remember all the expressions on her face. She was attractive.

I have met other girls before but this one was particularly attractive in every way. She was simple but yet stylish. She has a body that can make men drool and she has a face that can turn heads while she walks on the street. She was so fine. I asked myself what does it take for a woman to love another woman this fine. I wanted to get close to her, and I wanted to have passionate feelings for her. In simple terms, I admire her. Here I am, in front of this woman so fine for the first time and I have already admired her. It is true that people say it just takes a minute to like someone, a day to love someone and a lifetime to forget someone. I kept it to myself. I didn’t show it to her and I didn’t share my feelings with anyone. I wanted to keep my feelings for her personal and reserved. It is just something that I want to treasure alone.

For the time we were together, I have been observing her. I watched her every move, how she carries herself in front of me and how she walks. I have been mesmerized by her charm. There was nothing about her that I can say specifically made me like her but there was just something in what today’s term called the X-factor. She was humble, natural and smart. She was genuine and there was nothing fake about her. Everything that I saw was all-original. I have always had a soft spot for original people and she was being one. I managed to compose myself and remained calm throughout our meeting. I knew what are my feelings towards her at that point of time. I didn’t pay too much attention to it. I didn’t want to make myself a victim to my own emotions. It was too soon and too fast to have developed such feelings for someone. Wild thoughts were running around in circles in my brain.

I have to admit that I am attracted to her and I took a liking to her. I brushed off the thoughts and continued to be realistic. A desperado I have been called and a sweet talker to every woman is people’s most popular perception upon me. I remained quiet. I refused to defend myself and I let them talk. At a certain point in your life, you will come to a stage where you realized that people would keep on trying to put you down however they can. And how you handle that situation shows how mature you are. Sometimes silence is the best weapon of all, without saying a word you can light up the dark or make hearts bleed. But then again, words are of course powerful weapons as well. It just depends on situations and circumstances. We just have to know how to pick and choose.

Every shows must come to an end and every meeting must be parted. I went home with my thoughts still with her. I was still thinking of her the next day. I can’t stop thinking about her. I imagined that she was mine. I wonder how is it going to be if she was mine and I was hers. Would we make a perfect couple or at least a close to perfect one? I do not know. Those are just the fantasies I have in mind. Dreaming about her makes me feel good. If I can’t be together with her at least the memories I have with her will be mine eternally. Those short happy moments I have spent with her will be kept at a special spot in my heart. I threw away the key so that no one can take the memories I have with her from me. That is how special she is to me. I have never felt this way before. Yes, I have had crushes and I have been attracted to others before but the feelings I have for her are different than the rest. I wonder if she would be thinking about me as well. I wonder if I had left a good impression about myself to her. I wonder if she thinks of me the same way as most people would. I do not know. All I know is she has touched my heart in a special way that no one ever did. I could go on and on dreaming about her and I know how far I can go. I know what are my capabilities in dreaming and fantasizing that I could make a movie out of it if I have the means.

It is a recycle, this thing that I am experiencing. We have to go through this event when we met someone new. I just realized that it is a cycle that we have to experience whether we want it or not. Every little things we do, we keep thinking about her. I didn’t show her any signs that I like her. I didn’t give her the slightest clue that I like her. I do not know why. Perhaps I have been hurt many times to the extent that I am afraid to fall in love again. Perhaps I have had this fear of being left alone again.

Perhaps I was unsure if she likes me the way I like her. There are too many reasons waiting to be explored. I am tired of exploring. I have explored many times before only to discover that my past love affairs were a one sided love affair. People accepted me because they didn’t want to make me feel rejected. I can handle rejections. And I can handle heartbreaks. But to go through it again and again is heartache and a headache. I feel like there’s a knife piercing through my heart and it is bleeding profusely. The wound is still fresh. The scar is visible forever. I fell in love too soon too many times only to get hurt again. Yes, life goes on. Everybody knows that. We move on and meet new people and fall in love and get heartbroken again. Why do we meet in the first place only to be separated later? I soon realized that this is a cycle that never dies especially in my kind of love affair.

Looking at the time has been my habit since knowing her. My watch has been my favourite thing to look at whenever I am with her. I monitored how much time I have left to spend with her. I feel that the clock is ticking faster than ever every time I am with her. And always, when the time comes for us to part, I grow quiet, agitated, uneasy and sometimes moody that I have to part with her. If only I have all the time in the world to be with her without having to worry about anything else. If only I could spend hours and hours with her sitting and just talk about stuffs, her likes and her dislikes, her favourite drinks and food, what makes her angry and what makes her happy. If only I can talk with her on the phone without having to end our conversation because I have to face my books. If only things are not so difficult to explain.

I am not sure if I ever let her know of what I feel towards her. She has asked me a couple of times before but I have always managed not to answer her. It gives me nervous breakdown whenever she asks me that. I am afraid that things will change if she knows the truth. I am afraid that I won't get to spend much time with her anymore if she doesn't like what she hears. I like the way things are with her and me right now. A mutual friendship without having any sexual desires. I just like her as a whole package and I know it's difficult for me to have her. I have no hopes anymore and I shall not let myself got too carried away with all my fantasies and wild thoughts about her. I am not denying these true feelings I have for her. I am just refraining myself from developing further feelings for her. I am afraid and I am petrified if things would go wrong. I am just so afraid of everything nowadays. Only I know how much I wanted to hold her and have her in my arms. How I wanted so much to tell her that I miss her. How I wanted so much to look at her beautiful eyes to say those words. It is crazy sometimes how you can have affections beyond words towards someone. It is just so wonderful this feeling. And we all know that how long it can survive is uncertain. There are too many uncertainties in life. Yes, life is short give it a shot. I take relationship seriously, and I do not like to take a shot at it just like throwing a basketball in the net.

Maybe I am too rigid in upholding my principles. Perhaps I should learn how to be a little bit lenient to myself and for a while forget all those principles and just take a dive into the sea. And if I did, what if I get drown? Will there someone to save me or will I be left all alone to get back to shore? Will I be alone again to pick up the pieces? Faint heart never won a fair lady; yes that's what it says. Do I have a faint heart? Why am I so afraid this time? Should I blame it on all those previous relationships that I have had and dedicate 'You Give Love A Bad Name' to them? Is it too early to be feeling this way? There are things like love at first sight and instant attraction. Maybe I am just being too melodramatic and sentimental. I am sensitive by nature and I like to be that way that’s what Jewel sings in one of her songs and she also sings that hearts are broken every day.

I have read somewhere that if we like or love someone, we should have let him or her know before it is too late. We will never know if tomorrow ever comes for each of us. Perhaps I should have told her about what I feel towards her anytime from the moment I penned down these thoughts of mine. And it doesn't matter how she would react to that, what matters most is she knows how I feel about her and that I am sincere. I should just be blunt and tell her the truth when she asked me. I shouldn't have think twice and hide my real feelings from her. We cannot have our cake and eat it. It is okay if I can't have her and it is okay if she doesn't feel the same way like I do. Telling her how I feel doesn't mean that I have to have her as mine and knowing that I like her doesn't mean that she has to take me as her girlfriend. It doesn’t matter and I am not hoping but one thing for sure I will always keep her in my prayers because she has touched my heart in her own ways and she has earned my respect and deserves my humble prayers and blessings.

The Old Lady

The things we said and the things we have done cannot be unsaid and cannot be undone. That is the thing with words and actions. We cannot wash them and wipe them the way we wipe dishes. When I was walking home on Wednesday after school, I had to go through an underpass, which leads me to the Mass Rapid Transit (MRT) Station. This underpass is about 150 meters long and there are many occasions when I came across beggars who are blessed with a pair of arms and legs. They were born completely perfect physically. I have always had this principle about giving charity - only give to those who are really needy, genuine and that charity must be given to an authorized people or organization. I hardly give charity to an individual in public who begs without authorisation and who seems not genuine. It is just something that I have been taught to do and I, being a kid who stomach everything that has been told and said to me without prejudice, believe and uphold that principle up till now until that walk in the underpass on Wednesday.

I saw an old lady standing at a corner looking very ashamed that she had to do what she was doing - begging. She was very frail and so vulnerable. She was thin and looked very weak. She didn't had any container to collect the dough that people had given, she just stretched out her long, thin right arm which is covered with the wrinkled skin telling me that she could be breathing for nearly 70 years on earth. She didn't look at me in the eye when I walked past her; she looked down as though she was in retrospection. She looked sad and I could see the sorrow in her face. As I was walking past her, I was contemplating on whether or not to contribute to this sad soul. I felt something about her that made me think twice about my beliefs and principles. The unspoken hope that she would get enough to feed herself is calling me. I slowed down my steps and still deciding. I took a second look at her and I saw her face, her sad face that can launch a thousand ships with all her sad life stories. I looked at the people around me walking past her very quickly pretending to be oblivious to the surrounding. Didn’t they see this poor old lady? I took a deep breath inhaling the polluted air as polluted as my life has been. I thought about this old lady who looked so genuine that she needed some charity from the public even without any authorisation. I still hesitated and I kept on walking with my mind still focusing about this old lady. I continued walking further and further away from her and I ended up did not contribute to her. I reached the MRT station and boarded the train feeling very bad and lousy. I felt as though I had committed the worst crime in the century and I deserved the capital punishment.

I got home and I greeted my parents. I took a warm shower (as usual) and I ate my dinner. I couldn't eat peacefully. I was still thinking of that old lady. I wonder if she would have enough to buy herself dinner. If she has had enough to buy dinner, would she have enough to buy herself breakfast the next day? What about the days yet to come? How would she survive? Where are her children or worst still does she has one? I wonder if she would be fine. I stared at my plate and stole a glance at my mum and dad. What would happen to them if I turned out to be an ungrateful daughter and neglected them? Would they end up being like the old lady in the underpass? Would my parents Central Provident Funds (EPF in Malaysian terms) or their insurance and their stocks and shares be enough to support them till the end of their life?

I never blamed my parents for instilling such belief in me about giving charity. They have their reasons and I know they are just being logical and practical. Every year during Ramadan, I never fail to see the same old people begging at the pathways of Arab Street or Geylang Serai here in Singapore. I will see them with their children and babies as young as one year old sitting with their plastic cup waiting for the dough from people. They didn't look pitiful to me, and they didn't look absolutely genuine, but nevertheless they still beg. And there has been a stigma that these people are just opportunist who just takes advantage of the Muslims holy month, Ramadan. We are all aware that Ramadan is the month where if we Muslims do good deeds, we will be blessed 10 times as much than the other usual months. This issue has been raised many times by the public and media coverage has been done here interviewing these beggars. I have read about this and I have seen these people and it made me wonder why are they always here in this month. Why are they here particularly in the month of Ramadan alone? I wonder what is going to happen to the children of these beggars? Are they going to continue the habit that they have seen in their parents and create chain reactions? I rest my case.

It is to my belief that when you have the means to work and earn a decent living, it is wrong of you to beg especially in the holy month. We shouldn't have taken advantage of a situation using religion as a mask to hide our real intentions. There is nothing more disgraceful and despicable than that. We ought to be more responsible for our own welfare and we never should be too dependent on others. I have nothing against these people but knowing the fact that they use Ramadan as a catalyst to increase their funds just appalled me. I never contributed to them for I do not want to give them the impression that I allow them to take advantage of Ramadan. I do not want to encourage them. My statement is debatable of course.

I ponder at the thought that what if everybody share the same view as I do and stop giving these kind of beggars some charity. Then, they won’t make enough and will that make them realize that working to put food on the table is more respectable than begging. Having accustomed to the situation in Singapore during Ramadan makes me a little wary of beggars. I do think about them and their well-being but I just do not feel for them. I always wonder why did they do it. Perhaps, they do not want to do it but circumstances make them to. Perhaps, they have no other alternatives and they had to resort to begging. For whatever reasons they have, I am sure that somehow they are needy people. It is just how and when they seek financial help is a little controversial.

A good friend once told me that she has stopped doing good deeds ever since she has got herself involved in lesbianism. She felt that she is being a hypocrite by doing so. It’s a choice we make for ourselves. It’s difficult to explain and more difficult to understand. I can comprehend her views but I won’t buy it. We cannot stop doing good deeds just because we are all lesbians or gay men. Whether it is being accepted or not, it is not known to us. That’s just between Him and us. We do what we have to do and leave the rest to Him. No human can guarantee that we will be place in heaven when we die. Even how staunch he is, he is in no place able to have the liberty to be judgmental about our place when we die. It’s not his job to do so neither anyone else.

A girlfriend of mine gives away charity easily to whomever she deems fit to receive. She once said that she has been taught that way and it is all about heartfelt sympathy and understanding of these beggars’ conditions and situations. She makes sense to me and I respect her beliefs. Perhaps I should adopt her beliefs and not be too rigid in upholding my principles. Whoever we give to, we just know that we have done our part as a citizen of the world to lighten the burden of another. Giving charity is not a duty imposed to us by the statues, contract, conventions or doctrines but it is a duty imposed to us upon an individual by virtue of emotional bonding even though it is not legally binding but we still have a choice to practice.

Going back to the old lady, I realized that it is really up to our own discretion on to give or not to give. It has been said that, the hand that gives is better than the hand that receives it. Never mind of the situations and circumstances. And when we give charity, we should put aside our beliefs and principles. There is only one belief and one principle that we will uphold when we give away charity – charity itself. The benevolence or generosity toward others or toward humanity must come from within; it must come from the heart sincerely without hoping to get anything. The highest exercise of charity is charity towards the uncharitable.

I stayed in my room, and stared at the blue wall. I was engulfed with regret and a strong sense of guilt. I had left the old lady without a penny, inside my heart or wherever it is that feeling dwell was spilling, I wanted to contradict what I had done to her. I am so angry with myself and I wanted to tell her that I am sorry. I meant to understand her and to offer her with whatever that I have got in my pocket. I wanted to tell her that I shouldn’t have hesitated. Screw my bloody principles and I!

I still think of the old lady and how I regret so much for not giving. I cannot forget about her. It follows me from home to school, stoops with me as I bend to tie my Redwings boot shoelace, trots into the shed where I get the hose, even pursues me down into the bowels of a ship if I happen to be a seafaring man. Yes, her face is still clear in my memory as the crystals in my mum’s collections. I make a silent prayer to God that I would come across her again so that I will have the opportunity to do my part as a fellow being who cares about another without prejudice. God blesses her.

Letting Go

I spent my Sunday at the local neighbourhood videocassette disc (VCD) shop browsing around for any good movie that was on offer and I saw this VCD that immediately gave me the urge to buy. It is almost 21 years ago when I first watched the great Extra-Terrestrial movie, which is popularly known as ET. It is a story about a little lost alien, three million light years away from home. There is no doubt that ET is a captivating classic that has embraced everyone with its magic touch. I was five years old and I was at the age where I was easily influenced and believe the made-believe.

After watching the movie then, I was so into the most popular bicycle at that time, BMX. I still remembered that almost every kid in the neighbourhood wanted to own one of those bicycles. It was the craze of the time. For those well-off families, getting a BMX bicycle for their kids on their birthday at that time was an honour. And you will see on the next day, these kids riding their rightly owned bicycle proudly in the neighbourhood. They rode like there was no tomorrow and at the same time showing off to the other kids who could do nothing else but just envy and look wishing that their own parents would buy them a BMX bicycle as a birthday gift. I was the kid who could only afford to look and wished that I could have one. I did, but only after six years ET was a hit movie.

I am twenty-five going on twenty-six this year and watching the movie again for the first time after 21 years, I did not fancy BMX bicycles anymore. What captivated me and caught my attention was the bond that has been developed between ET and Elliot, the ten-year-old boy who wanted willingly to take ET home. It made me think how special relationship could be established between two living things on earth with little time and many obstacles. While I was watching the movie, I studied it and I began to realise that love knows no boundaries and love exist in anybody and anything that breathes.

It has been said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Everybody knows that nobody’s perfect. We sometimes fall for people who are totally opposite of us, opposite attraction they say. But still, we all have hopes that the relationship might work because we believe that it will. We believe that love was the cause for us being together.

As in the case for ET and Elliot, it was obviously love. The love is so pure and sincere that they both protect and defend each other from the people who try to separate them. Elliot tried so hard to send ET back home where it belong however he can that is within his capabilities. Even if at times he has to do things that are beyond his means, he would still try, although it means getting himself into troubles. The things Elliot went through for ET to go home were touching and heart-warming. Imagine what is ET and how it looks like compared to good looking ten-year-old Elliot. But Elliot doesn’t even think about that because he has been overwhelmed by how he feels towards ET, he was emotionally involved with ET. He feels for ET and so does ET. That is the bond I have admired and idolised.

Watching how desperately Elliot with the help of his brother and friends tried to escape from the authorities. How they wanted so much for ET to go home, with their BMX bicycles, trying to outrun and outsmart the authorities. They almost couldn’t make it until ET helped them with its magic finger. They flew high up in the sky and managed in the nick of time to see ET off to home. Elliot was sad but he knows he had to let ET go. I remembered what Elliot told ET.

‘We could be happy here. Don’t go ET. I will take care of you. I will make sure that no one hurt you. We can grow old together`.

Elliot wanted so much for ET to stay but he knew ET had to go and he has to let ET go. Watching Elliot bid his farewell to ET was sad and heartbreaking. They hugged, they cried and ET pointed his magic finger at Elliot’s head and said,

‘I’ll be right here…’

ET left for home and brought back with him the vase of flowers that he had a connection with. And I guess Elliot continued back with his life as normal if the story was real. That’s what most of us would do isn’t it? We get on with life after letting go of our loved ones. No matter how hard it is, each and one of us have to learn to let go of the people whom we have loved. It’s not easy but we have to, someday, when the time comes. It can be hurtful and heartsick but I guess that is just parts and parcels of life and love. We gain and we lost. We lost and we found. It’s a cycle that never dies.

I have seen my good friend cry so hard for her girlfriend when she has to let her go for some common reasons. I saw the look in her face and I saw the sadness in her eyes. The tears she cried were genuine and I could really feel the sadness that has enveloped her. I felt sorry for her and at the same time, asked myself what would I do if it were to happen to me. Soon, I too found myself in that situation. I felt so angry inside that I feel like the whole world is against me. I hated everybody and I kept to myself. I chose the people whom I wanted to talk to and I ignored the people whom I thought were a waste of time. Everyday, the anger grew bigger and bigger, it’s snowballing and I didn’t realise it. Not wanting to give in, I remained angry. I allowed myself to stay angry without knowing I am hurting myself. I shut the world away and I asked everybody to stay away. I became aloof and unfriendly. It’s sad, scary and it’s very hurtful.

Slowly, I began talking to my friends back. And I have become calmer. I started learning to look things at many angles. I stopped looking at things as only black and white and I started to leave some space for grey areas. I took control of my emotions instead of becoming a victim to my own feelings. Even though the pain still come sometimes I know I cannot let the anger builds up inside me again. I have begun to accept and come to terms with the fact that I no longer can live my dreams with her. Life goes on and we just have to live with it.

Have you guys ever felt it? You miss someone so much but yet you cannot say it because you are afraid, you are afraid of getting hurt again. Somehow, you know where you stand in that person’s life and you know you cannot be the one even though how much you wanted to be the one. All the promising talks and convincing promises have all become trash talks and empty promises. And it’s a great shame. Shame on you for loving her too much, shame on you for being hopeful, shame on you for dreaming and thinking of her every second of your life. And after all that, you become very angry. You have developed anger against yourself and the only thing you have to do is to talk about it openly. Express yourself readily in order to come to terms with the pain and loss. But you know you don’t want to do it because you just don’t want to think about it and talk about it. Because in your mind, the more you talk about it, the angrier you will become at her. You simply do not want any traces of memories you have with her. You wanted to stay away from her. You believe that staying away from her is how you protect yourself from her. Refusing to forgive her is not only how you punish her: it is also how you keep from getting close enough for her to hurt you again, and nine times out of ten, it works but there is only a serious side effect. It is called bitterness and it can do terrible things to the human body and soul. And people say it is unhealthy. To bottle things up is not a good thing to do.

Consciously or unconsciously we are all constantly talking to ourselves, sending private messages about who we are and how likely we are to get what we want and need. If the messages are more negative than positive, they can have the effect of lowering our self-esteem. People caught in such a trap are in effect programming themselves to fail or to produce negative behaviour. They go on to behave in accordance with what they expect to happen, reinforcing their destructive negative views. We need to break the vicious circle. We need to change our way of thinking.

I began to realise that I have to be more forgiving. Everybody has to. I have let her go and I allowed myself to reminisce at the times I spent with her. The laughter and the smile on her face came back to me. I smiled and I understand now. I looked back with the sweetest smile and I think of all the good times I had with her. I listened to the song that has a connection to us. All the best memories came back to me and some can even make me cry. In my isolation, I have learnt to be thankful for all the love that I have got. It may not be an eternal love but it was enough for me to keep the memories I had of her with me and carry it into my life journey. I have her with me in the background. It could be forever till the day I die or it could be for as long as I want to till a new person comes along. I do not know and I am not sure. Love gains and lost and loves lost and found but the memories stay with me and no one can take it away. Just like what ET told Elliot, ‘I’ll be right here…’ while pointing his magic finger at Elliot’s head.

Self Sufficient

It is nearly midnight, and I can see that if I don’t make a start with writing this thoughts of mine now, I never shall. All the evening I have been sitting here trying to force myself to begin, but the more I have thought about it, the more appalled and ashamed and distressed I have become by the whole thing. Listening to the radio with Christina Aquilera singing ‘Beautiful’ at the background reminds me of a dear person. And quietly I allowed myself to reminisce at the times I had spent with her which brought me to remember what we had discussed earlier in class today.

When asked by my lecturer, if it is possible for humans to be self-sufficient in almost anything, most of my course mates agreed that it is possible unanimously. However, I stood out from them because I simply do not agree. There is no right and wrong answer for that question neither there is good and bad answers. It is just how you argue and make your stand on what you believe. The question is general and everybody is entitled to his own beliefs.

Growing up, I have always thought that being self-sufficient is desirable and I would like to be like that. But as I get older and after my fair share of life experiences, I finally realised that it is not an ideal idea at all. One has to understand and know very well of what it means for being self-sufficient. It means, you can do everything and anything on your own. Able to provide for oneself without the help of others; being independent. I do not and never deny that we cannot at all be self-sufficient but I definitely do not agree to the idea of self-sufficient in anything and everything.

To name one of the composite personality entities of human’s character; Emotions are downright beyond doubt the most difficult for us to handle. This view, I believe is shared by many. This explains why there are people like Anthony Robbins and there are professions that we call, psychologist and psychiatrist. They are mental doctors who treat people with emotional problems who are mentally sick.

Having been in a period of depression for quite some time has taught me a lot about how I look at life. All those while I thought I could do it alone – I was wrong. Nobody can deny that we need someone or something that motivates and inspire us to achieve what we have desired. We need support, help and encouragement. A saying that goes ‘ there is a woman behind every man’s success’ is very true. All of us need someone. Everybody needs a friend. To be successful or not to be, we need that someone whom we can talk to about anything else – our communication channel.

I have to admit that I do not have many friends that I can hang out with. But the friends that I have currently are all my trusted friends and they are all trustworthy people who never fail to help me when I am in need. Quantity doesn’t prove much if they are of no quality. That is what I have always believed.

An incident happened that made me wonder what are promises really for. I have heard people say that promises are made to be broken. People make promises as easily as they break them. People utter the word of love as easily as they take it back. And people accused one another over a broken love. Refusing to analyse the reasons behind what had happen, instead taking all the opportunities available to conveniently point the finger at another. How smart are they to get away from their own faults and guilt. It always makes me wonder why do people feel insecure over the thoughts that someone might make a move on their girlfriend just because she has grown close with someone. Life has always taught me that if we treat our loved ones right, we need not worry about being dumped. We need not worry about being cheated. But, if we do not treat our loved ones like how they are supposed to be treated, then we cannot blame them if they have developed feelings over someone. However, there are times when shits just happen even when we treat her right. Nevertheless, we have to bear in mind that it always takes two to tango. That is a fact and we have to live with it.

A friend has just broken up with her girlfriend recently and it is a very sad situation. I was being accused for being the cause of the break up and was being confronted about it by another person (whom I would like to call ‘Miss Judge Wannabe’. Even though she lacks the professional qualifications but mind you, credits should be given to her for trying) whom have been told about the story. I wasn’t angry or sad but I almost laughed at the idea that I was being the cause for it. This gives me strong reasons to believe that humans can never be self-sufficient emotionally even though how hard they try to be.

When I was being confronted, I took it in my stride to retaliate defending myself. It is not that I was right or wrong but I just feel that I had to defend myself because in a situation like that, an act of defence is certainly required especially when it comes from a Miss Judge Wannabe. And the rest of the story was history. Nevertheless, it made me wonder if I was really the cause of it? I am not sure.

I comprehend the reason behind what that has happened between my friend’s girlfriend and I. I can understand her situation. And I would very much like to apologise to her if it is really my fault. But I believe that it is not my fault and how can I apologise for some wrong which I did not commit? I have been in and out of love before but whatever the outcome of my love, I know I cannot easily and readily blame others without analysing what went wrong about it first. If we are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to our estimate of it; and this we have the power to revoke at any moment. If I had gone overboard chatting which I might not realised, please accept my apologies dear friend, but I will never allow myself to be the cause of a break up between two people in love. There are much more to say but I guess some things are better to be left unspoken.

It took me sometime contemplating on the thoughts of including the above paragraphs for all to read and see but come to think of it, I am not an emotionally self-sufficient person. I need a channel to vent out my frustrations and anger that has been building up inside me. This is the channel I have chose and I will not let myself be a victim to circumstances and situations anymore. Lee Lacocca said that in times of great adversity and stress, it is always best to keep busy, to plow your anger and your energy into something positive. Is this a positive move? I do not know for sure but I know I am just writing my thoughts and everybody has the right to criticise as they wish. Be not afraid of growing slowly but be afraid only of standing still.

We did some research in school and it was not an easy one, students complaining trying to voice out their disapproval over some heavy duty school chores. Quietly I think back and realised that if we are not trying to take up difficult task that is within our capabilities, how are we supposed to make some progress? To know our limits, we have to push ourselves. Whatever course we decide upon, we have to finish it, and in the process, there will always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising, which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. It is then up to us how to map out a course of action and follow it to an end with whatever we have; courage, determination, motivations and moral support from ourselves and from the people we are close to. This brings us back to self-sufficient. To be motivated is the main ingredient to do and to accomplish anything. Even people like Andre Agassi and Nelson Mandela hired people like Anthony Robbins to give them talks on motivations to inspire them. But we are all not people who are born with a silver spoon in the mouth. We surely cannot afford Anthony Robbins. Therefore, another alternative we have is to get all the inspirations and motivations we need from our loved ones.

Ultimately, we need people to talk to, someone to confide in no matter how strong we may seem from the outside. I am not sure why, but I guessed we are just being made to be like that. We are after all innocent like Our Lady Peace always singing at the top of his lungs. And all of us have the rights to do what we think is best for us because we are being back by the facts that we are all Youth of The Nation and this is agreeable to all till P.O.D successfully made a song out of it.

In Retrospection

A cousin who is a year younger got engaged last week. I attended the ceremony knowing that I would be asked when is my turn going to be. I just smiled at those questions without answering. People say, a smile can also be an answer, the only difference is that, having a smile, as an answer will lead us to wondering what really is the answer. A smile is a charity and it can tell a thousand stories. It is up to us how do we want to interpret it.

Another year has gone by and I am growing older. Growing older is what everybody dreads but I find it rather interesting. Generally people will think that growing older means you will grow wiser, old and wise, somehow these two words always come together in a package. I have seen older people who are not wise and I have seen wise people who are not even old. Why do we often think that old equals wise? Whose definitions do we go by? It is the norm to think like that and it is the mainstream ideologies. We are all the followers indeed. We follow what people say, we follow what people think. Never mind if it is right or wrong but as long as our thoughts and actions fall under the mainstream ideologies, we feel saved and normal.

What is normal? Again, whose definition do we go by? Is there any definition that can be universally accepted? As I grew up, I understood that it was not so. I realised that what I thought universally acceptable was what is now known as 'mainstream ideology'.

A lesbian friend is going to get married soon and she didn't even have it in her agenda to get married but why is she getting married then? She told me she wants to be normal. She wants to do the normal stuff that everybody does. What are the normal stuffs? Have a career, get married, have children, have a family, grow old watching her children grow up, have grandchildren and live happily ever after. Is that a normal lifestyle? I do not think she has her own definition of what is normal. She was only concerned with society's definition of normalcy, the mainstream, safe ideology. She had broken away in the earlier part of her life, and now, I feel, she wanted to make up for it. I feel that she was sorry for her own circumstance. How hard I tried to understand her, still I have to ask this question, what is normal?

I can never see myself being married to a man. I am not sure myself but consciously there is not a place in my heart for a husband. This strong craving for woman is in my blood till the extent that marriage to a man is totally not in my future plan at all. The idea of getting married to a man that I would eventually fall in love with is very indefinite to me. Being the only daughter will bring more challenge to the plans I have for myself. I wonder how is it going to be if I was born straight? Will I get married? And I wonder what it is like to have given birth to my own flesh and blood, my future generation. I can only wonder and guess. Ultimately it is all in His hands to determine. I rest my case.

A good friend once said that when we fall in love do not give our everything to the person because in the end we will definitely get hurt and left all alone because we are simply lesbians. We do not and will not have an infinite love that will last for an eternity. Sooner or later one of us will have to get married. I do not buy that. My beliefs have always taught me that there is an infinite love for each one of us. With only different level of commitments, love and responsibility, regardless what our sexual preferences are, we are after all humans. One is no different than the other just because he likes people of the same gender as he is. Maybe that friend of mine is right and maybe she could be wrong. Falling in love has always been the greatest thing that has happened to anybody. It is the feeling that only those who have been there could tell. It is a feeling that is beyond description. It doesn’t ask why and it speaks from the heart and never explains. Doing the things for the relationship to the best of our abilities just to make it great is not wrong. Falling in love should be something that is memorable. Never mind how it turned out, just give her your best. It is not about giving up your family, it is not about giving up your present life, it is about making each other feel. It is about saying ‘I love you’ without uttering those words. These are the days that will be remembered for the rest of our lives.

Aren’t making choices our best blessings in life? Someone told me once that everybody can love but not everybody will. I think she was right. You have to want to love; you must go out there. Love does not manifest on its own. You have to work at it. You have got to break down those walls of yours and let people in. I know it can be scary, I have been there. Whatever the reasons for the fears we might have, we must find that ‘X’ factor that permits other people to touch our hearts in their own special way, because we deserve it, to be touched and to be loved.

Don’t you guys ever wonder what would it be like in the next 5 to 10 years to come? Where would you be? What would you be achieving or already achieved? We have to plan our live ahead of time my parents once told me. I nodded in agreement. I was a child and I knew nothing about lesbianism. All I know was girls caught my attention more than boys did. I was very nervous being surrounded with girls. I imagined things that I shouldn’t have. At that point of time, I knew I was not straight. I kept it to myself. Living in a closet I was. Coping with my own inner battle discovering myself and trying to deny the fact that I am who and what I am. Worst of all, I am a Muslim and that makes it even more difficult.

There is that stigma that if ever you committed to any form of gay activities, all your good deeds called by your faith would go down the drain and you are condemned to hell. And yet, you can't understand it, because, you recognised what you are, and how could you be condemned to hell for what you were made to be. It is so confusing living in this closet. Have you ever wondered whether are you really born with it or it is just the environment, surroundings or the way you were being brought up? Do we have a choice? Can we fight these feelings that has been branded ‘abnormal’? When I am alone, I wonder and I cry to myself like a baby without tears. They were all dry cry.

As it has been mentioned in the Koran and the Bible, it means that homosexuality and lesbianism are not just a recent development of the person. It has been in existence for a long time, meaning that it could well have been in-born for some individuals. I understand that being gay is not an accepted thing in Muslim society, on the other hand, society just cannot blame me for not being able to be anything but gay. The culture and the upbringing hit me at times. It really got to me. Even though my dad’s Chinese, we are all Asians and living in the East. We are eastern people and we were brought up the way we were. What can I say, what can I do? It is almost impossible to divorce oneself from culture and beliefs inculcated from young. Perhaps our culture, religion and upbringing dictate a safe, mainstream thinking. Perhaps it is not the only option in a lifestyle. Perhaps it is not the only ‘right’ we should recognise.

There is no use explaining and reasoning because we all know what we are doing is wrong. There is law against it in public. We will lose. No matter how hard we fought for society to accept us, we will not win. We will never win. Most people think that we are what we are because we lack of faith and religious knowledge. They are wrong. I am never proud of what my sexual preference is. I am ashamed of it. But I am only human with strengths and weaknesses. I have people who put me down. I have people who condemned me for the slightest mistake I have made. I do not ask for all this. But who am I to say? I have tried, I bet we all have tried. We were all once sorry about our lifestyles. But this is what we are. Whether we like it or not, we cannot deny and not acknowledged what we are. My statement is debatable of course. One can never really understand another human being even when you think you have love her like blood. No man or woman will open himself/herself to you openly. There will always be something she hides. Everybody has a skeleton in his or her closet, and one does not wash his dirty linen in public.

I have loved and have been loved before. And quietly I hope and wished that I could live my life like a straight couple. Have our own house, our own children, live together like husband and wife. Those are my fantasies, it is just a matter of time to bring it to life. It is good to have dreams and wishes like that. It gives me hope in the love I have built in myself. It may not even be love but if it’s special, it means something. It is good to have companion, everybody knows that companionship is not a crime. Never mind if we cannot figure out how much, or how big the sex part is responsible for our togetherness, concentrate on how it feels. Loving behind closed doors is not difficult. It is intensely private. It is a choice anybody can exercise.

People might wonder of the circumstances of two women raising a kid. What happens when he grows up? Perhaps he will understand. Perhaps he will be angry. Maybe he will gradually accept the way his life has been set. I am not sure. But one thing I know, he will have a choice too when he grows up. My parents are heterosexuals but I turned out to be a pure lesbian. Everybody exercise his own preference. Ultimately, aren’t making choices our best blessings? I rest my case, these are my thoughts for now, you do not have to agree with me.